Holy Schott! What are the Chargers thinking?
Late Monday evening the San Diego football franchise reportedly terminated the contract of the NFL's winningest active — at least before the axe fell — head coach, Marty Schottenheimer.
The reason? General manager A.J. Smith and Great Schott couldn't agree on who to hire to replace several Bolts' assistants who were plundered by the NFL's doormats after the season came to a close.
It's easy to make a case for why Schottenheimer should be dumped like Kevin Federline and last Wednesday's garbage, despite his 200-126-1 record. His zero career Super Bowl appearances give him the dubious title of winningest coach to never reach an NFL championship game.
He also hasn't won a playoff game since 1993, meaning that the careers of the Backstreet Boys, Armed & Famous, Ruben Studdard and Ricky Williams have all risen, crashed and burned in the time since Marty last picked up a "W" in the postseason.
But for all that, it is the Chargers who are sure to be the losers in this deal. Recall where San Diego was when Schottenheimer was hired — the team was still living the nightmare of having basically sold its soul for the services of Ryan Leaf, roughly equivalent to trading both your kidneys for a bowl of the soup du jour at Sizzler.
Despite the ludicrous nature of his firing, Schottenheimer is sure to catch on somewhere, and rebuild yet another team to the brink of ultimate glory.
It may appear that Marty Ball will not be played any time in the near future, since the bespectacled sideline stomper was fired so late into the offseason. But think again. There are in fact several places where an old Schott Glasses-wearing coach could find a home in time for next season.
The Dallas Cowboys
Sure, the job may not technically be open right now, but Jerry Jones just hired quite possibly the least inspiring head-coaching candidate this side of Rich Kotite in Wade Phillips. It should take about five seconds — or three Tony Romo interceptions — for Jones to bring in Schottenheimer as a consultant.
Once that happens, the Ranchers need only follow the blueprint set by Pat Riley, when he unceremoniously dethroned Miami Heat head coach Ron Jeremy and went on to win an NBA title, saying that Phillips had to leave to spend more time with is family, or even with his ant farm.
Once Schottenheimer takes over, it would be a fast track to rebuilding. Terrell Owens would surely find his way to either the waver wire or the Oakland Raiders faster than you can say "dropped pass" and Romo's inability to throw the ball would be a negligible issue, since Marty would just want to hand it off anyway.
And what could better turn around the fortunes of Marty's Jim Kelly-esque bad luck in the postseason than to coach a team with as much of a winning tradition as the Heffer men?
Iona College Gaels
With his patented "Jump Schott" offense, Marty is sure to be able to transition seamlessly to hoops, just like Shaq did into rapping. While Marty could be a perfect fit at almost any mid-major –where postseason expectations are minimal and regular season dominance is paramount — a spot presiding over the Gaels seems particularly fitting.
First off, after an 0-22 start, Iona will be starved for wins. Marty can deliver immediately, especially since the Gaels are a solid recruiting locale, proven by the fact that they were in the NCAA tourney just a year ago.
Secondly, a 0-10 NCAA tournament record would be a true badge of honor at Iona, which would never be expected to win a game at the Big Dance. It would fit Marty's profile like Uggs on a coastie.
U.S. Ryder Cup team
Ultra-conservative Marty Ball is exactly what the United States needs to beat the Brits in the international competition for golf supremacy. No more drivers for Phil and the rest of the crew — minus Tiger, of course, it's 7-irons all the way.
Long Schott has proven to be an excellent handler of stars in the past, and he surely would do with Tiger just what he did with LaDainian Tomlinson — just give him the ball and watch.
So long as the match doesn't go to a playoff, Marty should be in good straits.
Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas
In the high-pressure — blood pressure, that is — world of competitive eating, Sonya Thomas is the ultimate second banana, in the mold of Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan, Roger Moore to Sean Connery and Nick Saban to somebody honest.
Thomas certainly is no slouch when it comes to scarfing down Nathan's hot dogs, Moon Pies or creamed spinach casserole.
But, she can't beat Kobayashi, the Roger Federer of digestion. Ol' Tabasco Schott knows a little bit about eating, as legend has it he once out ate the entire Charger offensive line at a team lunch meeting. He might not get her to the top, but the practice throw-downs should be more fun than watching sumos high dive.
Dave McGrath is a senior majoring in English and journalism. If you'd like to hire Marty Schottenheimer as your __________, you can reach him at [email protected].
