Dave McGrath
As has become the norm over the past decade or so, the NFL once again has more vacancies than the Bates Motel — when it comes to the head coaches, that is. Now several currently rudderless franchises will rush to find the best available candidate to lead their teams to pay dirt.
Teams like the Oakland Raiders and Arizona Cardinals especially are trying to turn around historic failures, and need to attempt a novel approach to alter their negative momentum. That is why I propose a never-before-used dual coach system.
One would handle only the on-field responsibilities, and the other, only the off-field duties. This is perfect since there are two ideal personalities to man each position.
The on-the-field sideline stomper should be Gregory Lynn Burr, the former head basketball coach of the Monument Academy in Monument, Col. Burr was fired recently for allegedly hitting his players in the groin repeatedly. Reportedly, Burr would line players up and ask them what the capital of Thailand was. When they replied, “Bangkok,” he would scrotum sock them with his hand, a basketball or a tennis ball.
Such a literal ball buster would be just what the doctor ordered for players like Randy Moss and other spoiled NFLers. So what if he coaches basketball? It could be the new basketball-on-grass approach!
The problem with Burr is his Thailand joke would probably grow old pretty quickly at press conferences. For this reason, Jim Mora Sr. would be brought in to provide quirky quotes and general media giddiness. The NFL has been somewhat empty since Mora left the league after years with the Saints and Colts. His “diddly-poo’s” and “Playoffs?!” are missed more and more each day.
So NFL GM’s, vote Burr-Mora in '07. They’ll be going nuts off the field, and going for them on it.
Point: Burr and Mora.
Michael Poppy
I guess McGrath’s right — two is better than one. So when picking the best available head coach, it’s better to have two coaches working side by side rather than just one. However, you have to find the right combination in order for it to work.
A head coach is more than just a drill sergeant who draws up plays. A head coach has to do much more behind the scenes, and I’m not talking about interviews with the media and charity work. A head coach has to do everything to put his team in position to win, and that includes dirty work.
And what dirtier available head coach is there than Kevin McHale? The former Celtic great has been itching to get into the coaching realm for years. The real reason he didn’t continue his coaching career after taking over for the Timberwolves in 2004-05 was because he was just too awesome. He just needs the right man to bribe him back, which we’ll get to later.
As for McHale, he’d do whatever it takes to get the best players out on the court, including making under-the-table deals to sign them. Never mind that it was just Joe Smith…
McHale’s literal partner-in-crime would be none other than Pete Rose. Side by side, McHale and Rose would be perfect together as they would bring the best out of each other.
McHale has yet to realize just how much dirty work he is capable of, and Rose would be able to entice him to do more and more. Gambling on games? Rose would tell McHale, “No problem.”
But the two collective minds could go much further than illegal deals and gambling — maybe start ordering hits on opposing players or paying off referees. Either way, these dirty minds would combine to become the best head coaching pair ever.
