If there’s one thing I can safely cite as the official bane of my existence — and there are many candidates — wire writing easily earns the honor. As a tragic side effect of working the sports desk, I’ve become a prolific reader of press releases, which in terms of literary fortitude rank somewhere between the daily obituaries and Edith Wharton’s mind-numbing novel “Ethan Frome.”

On that note, there’s no manner of press release that quite draws head to desk like the ones highlighting postseason honors garnered by various figures in Wisconsin athletics. With so many fall seasons now coming to an end, the dam has officially come crashing down and I now find myself besieged by the ever-rising tide of banality.

Yet, as I shuffled through the bevy of press releases announcing the numerous accolades of the UW football team, something caught my eye. Upon first glance, I was almost sure it was a mistake.

“Brian White, offensive coordinator and running backs coach for the Wisconsin football team, has been named NCAA Division I-A Assistant Coach of the Year by the American Football Coaches Association,” it said.

“That’s a pretty big typo,” I thought, laughing to myself. “Surely, they meant to say defensive coordinator and linebackers coach Bret Bielema.”

As I read on, my eyes widening in outrage, I realized there was no mistake … The AFCA actually gave White the award.

Yes, the same Brian White who, as offensive coordinator, drove Wisconsin to the cellar in scoring offense this season. In fact, only the beleaguered Nittany Lions — a team that suffered the loss of two quarterbacks in one week — managed to put fewer points on the board.

Yes, the same Brian White who, as running backs coach, could never muster an effective rushing attack without a superstar sitting in the backfield. This season in particular, Wisconsin’s run game appeared absolutely pathetic with Anthony Davis on the sidelines. I would be remiss not to mention Matt “The Hebrew Hammer” Bernstein’s big performance against Penn State. That phenomenon, however, the Badgers never managed to replicate against bigger defenses.

Rather than beat this dead horse any longer, I’m going to take the opportunity to speculate on who the AFCA might have selected with the bong safely out of reach.

Bret Bielema, Wisconsin: If there’s a man that deserves the lion’s share of the credit for the Badgers’ surprising 2004 campaign, that man hails from the land of corn and caucuses. Since taking up the reigns as defensive coordinator, Bielema revived the Badger “D” to an extent unfathomable just four months ago.

Despite suffering a defensive breakdown in the final two weeks of the regular season, Wisconsin finished the year atop the Big Ten in scoring defense, total defense, sacks, opponent first downs, pass defense and defensive pass efficiency. Additionally, working from day one with a linebacker corps so wet behind the ears that they often left puddles on the practice field, Bielema turned them into a respectable unit almost instantly. In fact, the team leader in tackles, weak side linebacker Dontez Sanders, played safety last year.

Gene Chizik, Auburn: There’s nothing in college sports that irks me quite as much as preseason rankings still carrying weight with the season in the books. Needless to say, after watching the Tigers completely dominate the toughest conference in the country and still not get an Orange Bowl bid … I’m thoroughly irked right now.

At any rate, for a squad that entered the campaign No. 18 and rose to challenge the titans, success stories abound and honors are due.

For Auburn defensive coordinator Gene Chizik, the season proved just another fine chapter in a promising young coaching career. At Central Florida, Chizik transformed the sieve-like Golden Knight garrison as the team improved from 81st to 16th in total defense between 2000 and 2001. Since joining Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville’s staff in 2002, the rising Tiger defense continues to impress the nation. In 2004, facing a schedule loaded with potent offenses, Auburn allowed an average of just 11.2 points per game.

Mike Sanford, Utah: In terms of orchestrating a monumental turnaround, it’s hard to beat what Sanford’s done as the Utes’ offensive coordinator. Just two years ago, Utah finished dead last in the Mountain West Conference in virtually every offensive category. After just one year under Sanford, they were up to third. This season, the differential appears almost laughable — Utah averaged 46.3 yards per game, 16.9 more than the next-highest squad.

Behind the cool pocket presence of gunslinger Alex Smith, the Utah offense has not only proven ridiculously productive (502.7 yards per game), but maintained perfect composure throughout the season. In 63 trips to the red zone, the Utes walked away with a touchdown 51 times. Utah also currently holds the second-best turnover margin in Division I-A at +16 — having lost only eight fumbles and thrown just five picks. Regardless of conference, you can’t argue with those numbers. Watch out for UNLV now that they got this guy on the sidelines; the Rebels look primed for a turnaround.

Norm Chow, USC: Although my meaningless vote goes to Chizik due to the great respect I harbor for the SEC, if USC offensive coordinator Norm Chow received the nod, it would come as no surprise. No assistant coach on the college scene gets more respect on a consistent basis, and rightfully so. Chow’s imaginative play calling and effective use of USC’s stellar offensive talent make the Trojans an extremely difficult team to beat by conventional means (as Michigan discovered on one January afternoon in Pasadena).

Although Southern Cal’s offensive statistics this season may not appear as impressive on paper as the units directed by some of the other candidates listed in this column, there’s one stat that nobody else can boast of: 20 consecutive wins. And what’s the primary cause of that streak? Well, the Trojan defense certainly deserves credit, but bottom line, Chow just won’t let this team lose.

Now those are the serious candidates. Nothing against Mr. White — he’s not a bad coach, but he’s not the best in the nation, either. Well, I guess now is the perfect time for the AFCA to pull something like this. After all, screwing over deserving parties seems to be the “in thing” in college football this year.