Our nation sits at a crucial impasse in its history.

Divided by partisan interests more fervent than any in recent memory and besieged by forces from abroad threatening the life and liberty of the American people, our country turns to the leadership of one man to consolidate the many American voices as one. And now, in the coming weeks as we wait for the Supreme Court to inform us of who that person may be, the time has come to address more pressing issues.

I speak, of course, of the trials and tribulations abounding in every enthralling week of college football.

Tired of hearing about Cheney’s lesbian daughter, the New Voters Fraud or whatever partisan topic might be written about on any given week? Then cast your vote today, and flip the channel to ESPN. After all, we’re likely to have a Heisman winner before a president. The following is a guide for those politically minded individuals who remain painfully and tragically oblivious to all matters in college football.

District: Atlantic Coast Conference

Front-runner: Virginia Cavaliers

Trailing in the polls: Miami Hurricanes

Third party spoilers: Virginia Tech, Maryland

Howie Dean Trophy: Florida State

What a difference a day can make. At this time last week, ACC football seemed as strong as ever, boasting of two teams in BCS contention. Then both Miami and Florida State fell Saturday to a pair of powerhouse programs … powerhouse basketball programs. The thrilling upsets at the hands of the Heels and Terps, respectively, caused a veritable eruption in the national standings and made this conference a three-party contest once more.

There’s no playoff scenario, but the way the schedules work out, it shouldn’t matter. Get this, because a more perfect round robin couldn’t have been arranged. Miami heads to Virginia Nov. 13, Virginia travels to Tech Nov. 27 and Tech hosts Miami one week later. Three teams, one loss apiece in conference play, each with the talent and drive to knock off one another. Barring a tremendous upset, Tech will need to capture both home games and defeat a dangerous Tar Heel squad at home — it’s quite a bit to ask for. Miami gave up 545 yards Saturday to North Carolina, an appalling performance and a clear indication of defensive holes present with the ‘Cane garrison — weaknesses the Hokies and Cavs will gleefully exploit. At the moment it seems Virginia has the upper hand.

District: Big East

Front-runner: West Virginia Mountaineers

Trailing in the polls: Pittsburgh Panthers

Third party spoilers: Boston College

Howie Dean Trophy: Rutgers

Not much to say about this race. Despite what the standing show, the Mountaineers should need little to pull this one out. Most notable in the Big East, despite the total deterioration of the conference that is, remains the story out in Jersey. It’s a tale filled with anger, frustration and a few black helicopters.

On the brink of failing to fulfill an off season vow promising a winning campaign at Rutgers, the first since the tenure of Bush Sr., head coach Greg Schiano claims certain people are trying to “tear down” the program. Who, pray tell? John Ashcroft? Michael Moore? The Knights have 14 turnovers in the last three games, 26 on the year. Tin foil hats on — let’s find the real culprit in this sordid affair.

District: Big Ten

Front-runner: Wisconsin Badgers

Trailing in the polls: Michigan Wolverines

Third party spoilers: Iowa, Ohio State

Howie Dean Trophy: Purdue

It should be a storybook battle between veteran poise and youthful explosiveness, but Michigan and Wisconsin don’t square up. Would the Big Ten fall apart if they just invited Notre Dame and broke the conference into eastern and western divisions? Honestly, this couldn’t be any more frustrating.

For the moment, the Big Ten champion will undoubtedly be decided by who better dodges the upset. Fortunately, there’s more potential for that than in any other DI-A conference. Wisconsin hosts, to say the least, a bipolar Minnesota team and heads to East Lansing for a showdown with Michigan State, who almost knocked off the Wolverines Saturday in the Big House.

Michigan, on the other hand, must keep the always-puzzling Northwestern offense in check. Yet, Nov. 20 remains the day to watch the Big Ten. Michigan takes on Ohio State while Wisconsin faces Iowa. Neither Kinnick nor the Horseshoe presents an amicable road environment, but Ohio State will be just that much hungrier.

District: Big 12

Front-runner: Oklahoma Sooners

Trailing in the polls: Texas Longhorns

Third party spoilers: Nebraska

Howie Dean Trophy: Kansas State

As off kilter as the Sooners appeared in the last few weeks, it’s difficult to call them the best team in this conference. Usually the most competitive in college football, the Big 12 this season seems a shade of its usual self.

From a performance standpoint, Texas has emerged as possibly the strongest squad in the region, yet Oklahoma already triumphed over the Longhorns. Thus, from an analytical standpoint, despite their best efforts, nothing short of a Sooner catastrophe will open up the leader’s spot in the Big 12.

Even if the Sooners fall to their one remaining capable opponent at Texas A&M Nov. 6, they earn a spot in the Big 12 Championship game.

Now how messed up is this? Nebraska looks like the favorite to represent the North, even if they don’t manage to upset the Sooners in their regular season matchup two weeks from Saturday. That means the Big 12 North champion could be in jeopardy of finishing the season 6-6. According to NCAA rules, that disqualifies the Cornhuskers from a bowl berth. For the Sooners, this should be the most easily acquired conference title in the history of the Big 12. Hurray for structural imbalance.

District: Mountain West

Front-runner: Utah Utes

Trailing in the polls: BYU Cougars

Third party spoilers: Wyoming

Howie Dean Trophy: BYU

Think LBJ vs. Goldwater. Think Coolidge vs. Davis. Think Monroe vs. Adams. Finally, think of Utah vs. every other team in this joke of a conference. Behind the leadership of quarterback Alex Smith, the exciting player with a boring name, Utah has surmounted a thus-far unbeaten season and proven again that they don’t belong with these impuissant guttersnipes. At this point, Utah should be looking to bigger fish outside of the Mountain West pond.

Logistically, however, the Cougars still hold a glimmer of hope if head coach Gary Crowton can construct a system of pulleys that accomplishes the following:

1) Gives his team the confidence to continue to overcome their tragic early failures.

2) Exposes every member of the Wyoming squad to radioactive centipedes (spiders won’t cut it) the night before their matchup with the Utes.

3) Plants recreational narcotics in conspicuous places around Smith’s apartment while simultaneously filing erroneous yet convincing charges of sexual assault.

Anything’s possible; the Red Sox won the World Series after all.

District: Pac-10

Front-runner: USC Trojans

Trailing in the polls: California Golden Bears

Third party spoilers: none

Howie Dean Trophy: UCLA

With gunslinger Aaron Rodgers firing away in the pocket, the Golden Bears prove one of the more capable squads west of the Mississippi. In fact, this columnist would rank them second behind only USC.

The Trojans triumphed over the Bears in Troy 23-17 three weeks ago. So much for the drama. A second opportunity for California would certainly make for some great football, but alas, only an almost unforeseeable double upset of USC at the hands of UCLA, Oregon State or Arizona (two of the three) would make the Bears’ Pac-10 title dreams a reality.

A well-deserved state of affairs for the Trojans though. Besides Auburn, they certainly appear the most complete team in college football, a team that has always stepped forward and never let its quality become suspect, unlike the Sooners.

District: South East Conference

Front-runner: Auburn Tigers

Trailing in the polls: Tennessee Volunteers

Third party spoilers: Georgia

Howie Dean Trophy: LSU

Polls, buzz and bewildering formulas aside, the cream of this crop deserve a shot at the national title. Still undefeated, Auburn awaits a much-hyped title fight with Georgia Nov. 13 at home. If the Bulldogs manage to pull one out over the favored Tigers in the Auburn jungle, then an interesting situation takes shape. In most conferences, a Georgia win would create a rock, paper, scissors deadlock (since the Dawgs fell to the Vols and they, in turn, to the Tigers), but in the SEC they got it covered.

Unfortunately Georgia, probably the stronger of the two SEC East teams, gets left out in the cold in that situation — although looking at the Vols’ remaining schedule, that may prove unavoidable.

More than likely, however, the Tigers will rise to the occasion as they have so many times before. Stuck in the shadow of Oklahoma and USC, Auburn appears determined to gain national recognition as the finest squad in the country. If the Tiger defense keeps up the consistent effort, head coach Tommy Tuberville can rest comfortably behind the talents of his two offensive playmakers: Quarterback Jason Campbell and tailback Carnell “Cadillac” Williams.

Cadillac woke, Cadillac spoke;
Check out the run that Cadillac broke;
Matter of fact, Ole Miss Cadillac smoked.

Rest assured, Cadillac and the Tigers will be leaving an oil stain on the BCS driveway.