There are times, in the pursuit of democracy, when the people look toward their once-in-a-lifetime visionary leaders — Kennedy, Roosevelt, David Hasselhoff — for direction, inspiration and hope. Responsible government requires those who stand up to the special interests, fight for the silent and strive for liberty and justice and all that jazz.
The Wisconsin Student Association, which disbanded in late 1992, was an example of everything that had slowly become corrupt and degenerate about student government. Accordingly, the students of the
And dark days laid ahead.
Until February of 1994, when UW students held their heads high as a new day dawned. They were no longer slaves to a hierarchical machine of student government. They were now slaves to a decentralized, no-holds-barred asylum of would-be grassroots organizers.
This was obviously a vast improvement.
But the stakes were high. After years of corruption, kangaroo courts and deception, the new confederation of determined students, the Associated Students of Madison, had to provide a model to the rest of the country. A model that would say, “We have the most powerful student governance statute in the country. We’ll show everyone what a student government can do with such power and responsibility.”
Instead, they had a different plan: We can’t show you how to run your government, but we can show you absolutely every way possible not to succeed.
And in their first year, they got off to a miraculously successful start, in terms of failure.
Seven months after adopting their first Constitution, ASM suggested they amend it. But rapid change was not part of a successful government. Plus, with other matters occupying their time — holding elections that violate state secret ballot laws, doling out $20,000 in finance grants because they’re “too stingy” and failing to elect a Student Judiciary — there was no time to focus on slower ways to demonstrate illegitimacy. However, in the first full session of ASM, they reached their first height of model embarrassment: In between lobbying the Legislature with postcards, ASM failed to address attendance problems with action because the body tasked with addressing that problem, Student Council, consistently could not meet quorum.
After such a heavy agenda based on failure, ASM took most of the next semester off to focus on formulating campaigns, electing new failed leadership and think up new ways to fail.
They got off to a brilliant start in the fall of 1995 when they decided to hire an administrative assistant. Said then-ASM chair Michelle Diggles: “When I took office, I didn’t know constitutional bylaws. A lot of representatives don’t know much about parliamentary procedure.” This would become a trademark of student government for years to come: Not only would they fail to adequately represent students, but they would also fail to learn the rules to use when failing to represent students.
The next 14 years contain too much material to cover in a the space of this column — and we’d be remiss in not honoring an organization dedicated to half-assed government by not half-assing a column — here are some more recent highlights:
- Segregated Fees have been one of their greatest collapses. Even after a Supreme Court decision allowed them to dole out funds to student groups, their revised system was shot down by the Circuit Court. Still, when Finance Committee voiced their opposition to ASM’s rebellion, they were found to be in violation of ASM bylaws — namely the part about contradicting federal law. Thankfully, they managed to storm back to absurd funding practices when they gave a cool million dollars to the MultiCultural Student Coalition.
- A.J. Hughes may not be a name you know, but he’s a pioneer worthy of commemoration in the form bronze statue. When ASM lost its way in 2001 and tried to get back to the business of governance, Hughes protested their dereliction of absurdity by getting drunk in and out of meetings. His eloquent words can be heard even today: “To my fellow representatives, I say only this: Fuck you.”
- The Union South votes. Technically DoIT’s fault, but we’ll let them take credit.
- ASM’s 2001 attempt to disband. Good show, but close to failing at failing: You can’t be a leader in idiocy if the show is over.
- Student Services Finance Committee 2001-2006. Years after years of viewpoint neutrality violations shows the Constitution ain’t nothing but a piece of paper.
- Constitution: Fail. Lulz.
While we understand the current session has decided to sideline their normal dedication to self-destruction in favor of “progress” and “working on behalf of feasible accomplishments.” We fondly remember these past 15 years of consistent bumbling incompetence.
We’d raise a glass to you, but you don’t allow us to drink at your meetings. Oh well. Maybe we’ll sneak it in while you’re looking at the bylaws, trying to look up who you are and why are you here.
