I’m way too drunk to drive right now and this walk back to the far west side might as well be to the moon at this point. I better get a cab.

Better think again. Under a new city ordinance cab drivers now have the authority to require potential passengers pay for their ride upfront if they fit any of eight predetermined criteria in the driver’s eyes.

Right now I stumble into three of them. For one, I am trying wave down a cab rather than calling the dispatcher because I’m too wasted to see the numbers on my phone.

Secondly, I am trying to hail this cab from my knees as heaving squirts of Guinness, Bailey’s and Jameson shoot out my nose and mouth. ‘Man, I really need that cab before I wake up in the gutter tomorrow morning.’ Too bad this new ordinance says cab drivers can require a patron pay upfront if they admit to being intoxicated or shows signs of intoxication. I better pull myself together.

After sucking down a cigarette and training my verbal skills by attempting to hit on a group of girls just as drunk as me, I’m convinced I can at least appear to be sober enough to gain the trust of a cabby.

I finally manage to grab a cab. Since the Nitty Gritty just got my last $20 though, I wont be able to pay for my ride till I get home and grab that $10 I set aside for lunch tomorrow. I hope the fare isn’t any more than that.

In an attempt to display my presence of mind to my driver I tell him this before getting in the cab. Before I can open the door, he peels out, leaving me in a smoggy cloud. That same ordinance says any cab driver can require pre-payment if the potential rider indicates an unwillingness or inability to pay the full fare. Well shit, I guess I’m sleeping in my car.

I really don’t have anyone to blame but myself. At least on its face, this seems like a fair ordinance, as inconvenient as it might be. Cab drivers are all independent contractors, and whenever someone snubs them they cover the cost, not the cab company.

Furthermore, due to strains on the department, police no longer respond to calls from pissed off cab drivers who were just stiffed. What are they going to do? Chase down a drunken college student and beat it out of them with an air freshener? That’s time and money they could be making on another run. For this particular scenario, it seems like my wasted-college-student-self is just going to have to take a shot of responsibility and deal with the consequences of my actions.

Let’s change the scenario just a bit though. Let’s say instead of a drunk, white college student, I’m a minority resident trying to get across town for my cousin’s birthday bash. I’m not drunk, but I accidentally left my wallet with my sister (who will be at my destination) the other day.

As I get in the cab, the driver tells me I have to pay up front because he says I’m drunk. Despite my best efforts, I just can’t convince him otherwise. As I step out of the cab, I can’t help but think this had something to do with the color my skin. Cab drivers have developed this reputation. What black comedian doesn’t have a good ‘black guy trying to get a cab’ joke?

Herein lies the problem with this ordinance. Leaving it up to a cab driver to determine the sobriety of a passenger creates a situation rife with the potential for racial profiling and discrimination.

While this new ordinance might make some sense as it relates to drunk and irresponsible college students, the opportunity it creates to perpetuate ignorant stereotypes shows it to be shortsighted and ill-conceived.

Kyle Mianulli ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in philosophy, political science and journalism.