With Pennsylvania’s presidential primary underway, the national media have heavily scrutinized each candidate’s final pitch. And each speech criticizes the media for ignoring real issues. I can’t help but wonder what form these speeches would take if the national press weren’t so obsessed with the “gotcha” political spin cycle. If our country hopes to rise above the shameless pandering that has typified Bush-era politics, this is the speech the Democratic candidates would give absent the forces that seek to hide the true nature of our society from the American people. The trick, of course, is how to know whether this is what they really mean.

They’re all lying to you, and you lap it up like dogs on fried meat — let me tell you, you are bent far over the widest table they’ve got, and they’re ramming it into you. I’m so sorry for sugarcoating that.

Who is this mysterious “they”? Could it be the government? Nah, they’re too slow, and quite frankly, they’re a little slow. How about the media? They’re owned by big corporations, and believe me, we’ll get to them in a minute. But the media are more interested in taking your money. It sounds gutless, I know. But in today’s world, simply trying to hold you upside down and shake you of any loose change is a truly altruistic motive.

So how about those big bad corporations? I don’t blame you for hating them — look at everything “they” do! “If your legs are restless, take these pills, and you had better replace these contacts in two days or your eyes will get all moldy, and if you’re too lazy to nurture your crazy kid, feed him these little pills and make him drug dependent forever.”

But you know the one thing the corporations don’t have? Mind control technology. Do you know what that means? You give them power! And you know what else that means? You are “they!” We all lie to ourselves, and we’ve been doing it for our entire, godforsaken lives. Because we’re all so incapable of handling the burden of being the consumers who run the world, we tear the world apart every waking day, and we’ve got no one to blame but ourselves.

Our political system is empowered by people who don’t vote and whine to their liberal but lazy, lazy friends every November. So with a small population to satisfy, each party engineers majorities by pandering to a few select special interests and giving lip service to those who don’t really matter. And you young people… don’t really matter. Sorry for being so blunt.

Since the major parties don’t really have to compete for your vote and the smaller ones wither away without your support, you are to blame for our unrepresentative political culture. How can you blame the pharmaceutical companies that have dreams of a happy drugged society, how can you blame the media that want to keep you entertained for eternity, and how can you blame the corporations that just want a rich and efficient world, if you don’t even believe in anything at all?

The media is your mirror, and they would never give you content that doesn’t make you happy, because that would hamper their primary goal: to make money.

That’s just how they work, so don’t blame the media. Yes, they are stupid but no more stupid than you — take comfort in that. No matter what you think of what I’m saying or what you think of me, know this: You will always control the media. You give them life, and they appreciate that, but they are essentially computers. They can only do what you command them to, and it is impossible for them to go outside of their programming.

Now here’s a real life example of this little phenomenon straight from your history books. Some time ago, Larry King interviewed a recently imprisoned celebrity who was most famous for being a drunken whore: Paris Hilton. A bunch of the other news hosts declined the interview. It wasn’t news and covering that would be embarrassing, you know. I mean, for God’s sake, there’s a war going on!

So even though everyone knew it wasn’t news, and the media didn’t want to do it, as an institution they could not disobey their original programming. Because the people wanted to see it, Larry King took the interview, the rest of the media relayed the story you wanted to hear, and they could say they didn’t really want to report the story, but Mr. King made them.

You know what that’s called? The real world. There is no mass conspiracy, and Big Brother really does want to protect you. The corporate masters aren’t colluding to destroy the fabric of American life. The advertisers are pawns. The whole thing is you.

We’re all locked inside the prisons we have made in our minds. And the key is right there in front of us. If you vote for me, I will focus on real issues. But the media won’t focus on real issues, and I will never be re-elected if you don’t pay attention as well.

Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and journalism.