One day — I think I was in fourth grade — I woke up and decided I would be the next president, or at least that I had all the makings of the next great Republican president. Really, it was one of the easier conclusions I’ve come to during the course of my life. I looked in the mirror that fine morning, as I carefully parted my hair directly down the middle of my head and decided that I had all the makings of a fine president: white, male… white.
It was all there for the taking, the highest office in the land.
Since then, however, I have changed my career goals and set my sights a little higher (I’m hoping to land an internship with The Critical Badger this summer, for starters).
In the meantime, though, I am happy to see that another fine American, Mr. Stephen Colbert, has come to the same realization I did so many years ago — that the Republican nomination has but three simple requirements: Be white, be a man and be conservative, or at least be able to convince enough people you’re truly conservative.
In an op-ed column leading up to his announcement, published in Sunday’s New York Times, Mr. Colbert wrote, "…it’s clear that the voters are desperate for a white male, middle-aged, Jesus-trumpeting alternative." Although he was kidding in true Colbert fashion, his sentiments were dead on.
While Mr. Colbert’s White House bid is little more than a glorified manifestation of an atrocious Robin Williams movie released last year, and his editorial little more than a truncated version of his comedy show in print, he has in the process revealed a very sad truth, or "truthiness" about what it takes to gain the Republican nomination. Quite simply, a candidate does not necessarily have to have a certain set of conservative values, but does have to be able to fool enough people into thinking he has those values as he assures voters that the blood in his veins is as red as the Deep South on an Election Day-map.
Pre-Fred Thompson entering the race, though, Republicans weren’t that worried. They thought Fred would be their conservative knight in shining armor, who would sooner or later burst onto the political seen like Willis Reed in the 4th quarter at Madison Square Garden, taking on the burden of all conservative woes with his lumbering Southern drawl and Reagan-esque acting career.
But, Mr. Thompson, barely conscious (or sober?) for either his official announcement or his first presidential debate, has fallen well short for conservative hopefuls. As Mr. Colbert told Larry King, "Fred Thompson has a great campaign motto: ‘Do not disturb.’"
Mitt Romney, on the other hand, is as much a self-proclaimed conservative as ASM is an effective administrator of student elections. Although he is certainly the best-looking white male aside from Mr. Colbert, that won’t be enough to be considered a conservative after providing comprehensive health care to an entire population of sinners, the state of Massachusetts, and poorly covering up his previous statements on the right of a woman to abortion.
On top of that, with Rudolph Giuliani still in closet, or more accurately his purple-flowered dress and bright-red lipstick in the closet, and "maverick" John McCain all but hiring Russ Feingold to drive the "Straight Talk Express," most conservatives are still searching for the third piece to their political puzzle: a conservative they can believe is actually conservative. At least they were, until Tuesday.
With Mr. Colbert announcing his phony candidacy on Tuesday night, amid a flurry of red, white and blue balloons on the set of his TV show, he may not have realized that he is, in fact, everything conservative voters are looking for.
With MSNBC, CNN and Fox News running pieces yesterday about the viability of Mr. Colbert winning a primary in South Carolina, the only state he says he’s running in for now, conservatives have finally found a candidate who is good enough at pretending to be a conservative to actually win the nomination.
Andy Granias ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in political science and legal studies.
