As the Bush administration's tenure comes to a close, many ask, "What will be the legacy of our most enigmatic and powerful vice president?" Frankly, I equate our vice president to an incredible cross between a sort of teddy bear and a Transformer. Such a combination leaves no questions: The Cheney legacy should be summed up by a line of action figures.
Consider this: Dick Cheney shot — accidentally, of course — a hunting partner in the face during his time as vice president. If Dick Cheney is willing to shoot a fellow Republican in the face, what do you think he'd do to our nation's enemies? The last time a vice president showed that sort of gumption, Alexander Hamilton was losing a duel. Furthermore, when Mr. Cheney's friends get their corrupt little selves into trouble, he's quick to bail them out. Mr. Cheney's devil-may-care approach to quail hunting and protecting his inner circle make him the ultimate children's and adult's toy.
Few entities are capable of bestowing the sort of soul-warming security that Mr. Cheney provides. In a world that offers the same sort of mysteries and uncertainties a toddler often finds in his or her darkened room, Republicans and Democrats alike will no doubt find themselves clinging desperately to their "Cheney Bear." Just ask the most recent and salient of Mr. Cheney's beneficiaries, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby. "Scooter," Mr. Cheney's former chief of staff, can best attest to the serendipitous perks a Cheney insider quickly becomes accustomed to.
"Scooter" found himself embroiled in a rather nasty legal case involving a leaked CIA operative's identity. While he may or may not have been the source of the leak, he seems to have humbly accepted the position of fall guy. He was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice. Pretty serious stuff. Unless, of course, you've got yourself a "Cheney Bear."
It will take more than justice to put Mr. Cheney's friends behind bars. Mr. Cheney's closest and most powerful cohort, President George W. Bush, commuted Mr. Libby's sentence, and a full pardon may be slated for the last hours of the administration. Not only did Mr. Cheney use some executive muscle to get his buddy out of jail time, it was all President Bush the entire time. Trickery.
Security like that is hard to come by. However, every American could feel like a "Scooter" Libby, were they to buy themselves a "Cheney Bear."
The Libby pardon was vice president Cheney at his best. Garish disregard for justice and acting with an impunity that only erroneously applied executive privilege can supply. If that doesn't just scream, "Make me into an action figure!" I don't know what does! Those uncomfortable with the thought of lugging around a "Cheney Bear" can proudly display their built-to-scale Cheney Action Figure.
This line of action figures would certainly combine some of the best features of our nation's past action figures. In response to a request by Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, accusing him of violating an executive order to disclose the amount of classified and unclassified documents his office possesses, Mr. Cheney's office has revealed that the vice president of the United States of America is, surprisingly enough, not an "entity within the executive branch." Mr. Cheney's office insists that his position as president of the Senate makes him a full member of — get this — the legislative branch. Wow.
Such transformations are symbolic of a childhood favorite of mine –Transformers. The "Cheney Bear" could transform — at the drop of a subpoena — from executive to legislative mode, and back again.
And with a push of a button, we could hear some of our more favorite quotes emanate from the Cheney Action Figure's voice box. ""My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators" and other favorites I'd list here if it were not for Mr. Cheney's inclination for profanity-laced statements.
There are vast amounts of money to be made here! After all, vice president Dick Cheney embodies an administration that took our nation for quite a ride for the past eight years. And if action figure and teddy bear sales are ruled by the same sort of logic that govern NBA jersey sales, the Cheney line of children's products would dominate the toy market. Voters may find that the smoldering crater of senseless violence that is Iraq as well as worsening world opinion of the United States just aren't enough for us to remember Mr. Cheney and his cronies by. Maybe I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but I have to say that never before has there been a vice president so worthy of being immortalized in a line of children's toys.
Gerald Cox ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in economics, languages and cultures of Asia, and Middle East Studies.
