This past Monday I was involved in an incident where I chose to fend off a large group of drunken vandals with a pitchfork. I want to apologize to the community and to law enforcement for needlessly escalating the problem. I have learned my lesson and will merely call the police in the future. I also want to add that Jeff and I weren’t drunk, and I can prove it because we both blew zeros when we took breathalyzers at the police station.

Sincerely,
Justin Baker
Class of 2006