To: Kim Jung Il, Grand Leader of North Korea

We would like to extend our heartfelt greetings and congratulations to you, the leader of our newest member, North Korea. As uninvited as you may have been, you may prove a longstanding presupposition upheld by yourself and other despotic errant states: Nothing spells r-e-s-p-e-c-t like n-u-k-e.

There comes a time in every man, woman, and nation's life and history that he, she or it must ask himself, herself or itself a number of terse and honest questions. Have nothing to offer the opposite sex? Angered over your penurious financial situation? Desperate for attention? Hungry? Dominant world superpower's elected leader including you in his newly christened axis of evil? The answer: Test a nuke.

Any nuke will do, really (in your case, one much smaller than the first bomb dropped by our charter member, the United States). Size does not matter. What's a few kilotons between nuclear powers?

We admire your audacity. There were initial reservations over the truthfulness of your nuclear claim, but nothing says, "Look at me, I'm defying the will of the international community!" like a nuclear weapon-induced 3.6-4.2 magnitude earthquake.

There truly is no better way to prove your worth, your mettle, your complete disregard for regional stability than by violating one of the most important tenants of the post-Cold War world: non-proliferation. Doubts remain, but we're convinced. Scoot over India and Pakistan, hide your nametag Israel, and welcome North Korea to the club.

Frightened and awed we may be, but surprised we are not. For years you have displayed an audacious dismissal of international will. You serve as the epitome of diplomatic deception, with your reversals, rebuttals, rebukes and refusals. Your withdrawals, whimsical worries and wonderfully worded waylays of the six-party talks supported by every nation on earth; your illegal test-firing of ballistic missiles over the Sea of Japan — many of your recent acts served as clear indicators of your tenacious unwillingness to bow to international consensus and decency and abandon your illegal nuclear program.

Your inclusion in our group adds to the vibrant culture of the Club. Your repeated vows to turn Seoul into a "river of fire" (Such refreshing candor!), and your unsuccessful yet spectacular 1983 assassination attempt of South Korean President Chun Doo Hwan during his state visit to Burma reveals your off-kilter and unique regional disposition. Your state-run news agency, KCNA, often reveals your charismatic character and lofty, vitriolic ramblings via its oft-broadcast and thoughtful propaganda. Your failure to honor the commitment you made to the Agreed Framework in 1994, and your refusal to honor any of the commitments you made to the world during the six-party talks are but a few examples of your consistency in pursuing your nuclear weapons program. Boasting the world's fourth largest military and a militarized and starving brainwashed population, you possess a ready deterrent against any attempt to compromise your hard-earned nuclear capabilities.

Your social system of "juche," or self-reliance, has prepared 23 million North Koreans for the harsh realities that accompany any war fought on one's own soil. Amnesty International and other international aid and human rights organizations have expressed concerns over the extremely effective restrictions you have imposed upon independent monitors, food donors, international governmental organizations and NGOs. Considering that your country, since its inception, has never been able to feed itself without the help of first the Soviet Union, and now China and South Korea (perhaps as a result of your pouring hundreds upon hundreds of millions into acquiring nuclear weapons instead of filling empty stomachs), it is heartening to see your commitment to establishing a self-sufficient North Korea.

It is encouraging that, in the face of the reported hundreds of thousands of deaths due to starvation and related illness that have plagued your country since the 1990s, you have devoted the lion's share of your spending to furthering your nuclear weapons program. You deem your nuclear arsenal more worthy than feeding your starving population. Such determination is what got you into the Club, and God knows no one gets out once they're in.

Know that you are now among an elite company. We are anxious to see if you pass on your newly acquired nuclear know-how and tenacity to other envious states. Iran has expressed interest in our club. You might start there, as you have a history of working closely with Iran on ballistic missile programs.

We have but few prerequisites and just one responsibility, and you have met said prerequisites with a determination and a passionate disregard for domestic issues. It goes without saying what your one responsibility is as a nuclear superpower.

Again, congratulations on your membership, Kim. Set yourself at ease, and never you mind your dilapidated anachronistic economy and starving masses, though that has never stopped you before. You've got a nuke now, and that's all that matters.

From,
The Nuclear Club

Gerald Cox ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in economics.