What happens when you hold a match next to a bonfire? The match, of course, burns green with envy.

Lately, the match is trying to ignite a new image for itself. Tired of UW-Madison's common association with the words "University of Wisconsin," a group at UW-Milwaukee recently kicked off a drive to de-hyphenate the name of its parent institution. That's right. Fed up with so-called "second-class status," the tiny band of students and faculty is pushing to repackage UWM as "Wisconsin State University."

Nice try, UWM. Perhaps the rise of Panther basketball in recent years has given a few people over by the lake delusions of grandeur. If anything, the little match should be grateful for the extra credibility lent by using the name of the bonfire. And, yes, I'm going to continue using the metaphor. You can still smoke in Brewtown, and we do have bonfires here in Madison — generally the type fueled by a Ninja Turtles costume or two. It seems apt.

What Panther students don't seem to realize is how good they have it right now. One student interviewed in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel about the name change said, "If you go anywhere and say you go to UWM, they think you're talking about Madison."

My question to her and any other whiny Panther is this: why does this upset you? You're unwittingly piggybacking on the success of Bucky's best and brightest. It's moniker mimicry you should use to your advantage. People think you had a higher high school GPA and class rank than you actually did.

Plus, the proposed name gimmick sounds a little too Michigan for me. As a few friends pointed out, if anyone should get the title of "Wisconsin State University," it's us. We could just tack it onto our existing name. Really, it wouldn't be that difficult.

Now, the frustrated denizens of UWM will probably portray this entire column as condescension, the haughty scrawling of an arrogant Badger. Panthers, by contrast, are naturally humble, industrious students who don't deserve to play second fiddle to the elitists over on the isthmus.

Well, perhaps we are a tad elitist. But can you blame us? Given our higher ACT scores, higher class rankings, higher GPAs, higher national profile, non-commuter campus environment, award-winning party scene and superior athletic prowess, we have at least a few things to brag about. Milwaukee is great, but let's not kid ourselves — UW-Madison is the System's flagship university.

Certainly, a college degree from a specific institution cannot capture the whole of an individual. Formal education is by no means the only key to success in America nor is it a guarantee of a happy life. Quite a few of my relatives who never went to college have done as well as — if not remarkably better than — peers who managed to secure a diploma. People have different routes to equally prosperous and worthy goals. It's just that in the university stretch of the path, some take a route heading through the state capital and others wish they had.

Admittedly, the little match to the east does throw off some bright sparks. UWM has the only accredited school of architecture in the state. It's within the orbit of the state's only true urban metropolis. Heck, my brother even attends school in the Cream City. That said, he and the entire Panther Band are probably careening down I-94 even now, ready to burn a certain den-digging mascot in effigy on my front lawn.

But I'm not overly concerned. The same can be said for my thoughts on this month's
advisory student referendum on the name change at UWM. Most voters will probably overlook the consequences of a shift to "WSU." Like the other things that acronym could stand for, such as "We Suck Ultimately."

True, this is not equivalent to the "Gold" embarrassment at Marquette, but at least there the fiasco can be pinned on the administration. At UWM, it's a group of students and faculty calling its members "Wisconsin State University Ninjas" that's prompting the silliness.

And silliness it is. Sadly, a name change cannot change UWM. A black and yellow carnation by any other name would smell as mediocre.

I urge the Board of Regents to quash any attempt by UWM to change its name to Wisconsin State University. Or, if that body does grant the euphemism, it should do so only on the condition that UWM give up all the benefits of being a part of the UW System. Any other precedent will no doubt lead to a spate of titular transformations. It would only be a matter of time before we saw UW-Park Falls gunning for "Northwood U" or UW-Oshkosh seriously considering "Sloshkosh" for placement on its letterhead.

And that's just not right.

The University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, on the other hand, is. You're no match for us, Panthers. Give it up.

Brad Vogel ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and journalism.