Last month President Bush declared America was addicted to oil in his annual State of the Union address, and he subsequently announced several initiatives aiming to rid our nation of this terrible dependency. Yet while Americans are addicted to oil, President Bush consistently fiends for another highly volatile three letter substance.

This substance, like oil, has its detractors and its advocates. Some say it is powerful enough to end all war, while some claim it mercilessly destroys the soul of whoever is unlucky enough to come into contact with it. This substance, like oil, became the subject of much scrutiny in the late 1960s and '70s. And this substance's addictive components, like oil's, have played a large role in shaping U.S. policy, both at home and abroad.

After much deliberation, I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that our commander-in-chief, President Bush, the man with the power to destroy the entire world in one fell swoop, is hopelessly addicted to LSD.

This conclusion was reached only after every other possible explanation for President Bush's much fabled foibles was put to bed. Only a man in the depths of a 12 hour marathon acid trip could possibly advocate such far out and nonsensical arguments this president has been preaching for the better part of five years.

So join me, if you will, for a trip into the heart and mind of a president who can only find inspiration in a six dollar blotter sheet he bought from a hippie peace freak who sports a tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt encompassing all colors of the rainbow.

Perhaps the most recent example of Mr. Bush's drug abuse comes with the revelation that he authorized secret wiretaps without having to go through the pesky process of obtaining a warrant. Some may claim he did so to protect America from future acts of terrorism, but those of us who have seen the light know this is nothing but a piece of trivial propaganda perpetrated by the vast right-wing conspiracy.

President Bush decided to spy on everyday Americans not due to national security concerns, but rather out of feelings of intense paranoia — brought on by the vast over consumption of LSD. And I can't really say I blame the poor chap; seeing the monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are" tap dancing and singing "Sunshine of Your Love" whenever a corner is turned is enough to transform even the most sane and competent man into a paranoid maniac.

And, as is the case with most individuals hopelessly consumed by hallucinogenic substances, President Bush apparently has exerted his substantial influence and pressured other members of his cabinet to take a trip to the other side.

While appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee earlier this month, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was asked about President Bush's warrant-less domestic spying program. While defending the wiretaps, Mr. Gonzales said, "President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale."

In his mind, the attorney general very well could have traveled back in time to post-colonial America and spoke at great lengths with President Washington — we really have no way of knowing. But that does not change the fact that, in all likelihood, an 18th century president probably did not quite have the means to authorize electronic surveillance.

The most salient piece of evidence pointing toward a torrid love affair with LSD came about two years ago, when President Bush announced plans for an American to travel to Mars, the mysterious red planet. Anyone claiming this hair-brained idea was not the result of an exceptionally intense acid trip is probably a frequent user themself. One can almost imagine the conversations that went down in the West Wing days before Bush announced the bold new plan.

"Hey, Dick, you know what'd be the coolest thing in the world, man? If we could like send a guy to friggin' Mars, man! Oh, wait! That wouldn't be the coolest thing in the world, it'd be out of this world, man! And we should definitely try to get the astronauts to bring some Phish records with them."

And finally, one only needs to look at the symbol of the Republican Party as evidence that LSD has rendered President Bush's perception of reality more distorted than a Salvador Dali painting. While some believe the elephant originated from a political cartoon by Thomas Nast in 1874, one has to look no further than Walt Disney's "Dumbo" to see that the GOP really drew their inspiration from the pink elephants on parade freak-out sequence.

Rob Hunger ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in political science and journalism.