We’re not gonna protest.

So spoke the student body of Port Chester University to close one of the finest chapters of collegiate rebellion in cinematic history. Long before most young men and women walk the halls of American higher education, they are impacted by PCU’s quintessential take on campus life in one way or another. I can’t remember when or where I first experienced this consummate tale of Gen X’s climactic victory over the most heinous forces of administrative authority, although before college I thought it nothing more than wild fantasy.

Specifically, I never understood the concept of protests serving a state of stability — as if they were a cog in some grand mechanism of pacification. I never understood it — but then again — that was before college. It’s been almost five years now since I waltzed into this crazy little slice of Americana, a period of time now mercifully coming to an end.

I remember many afternoons out on the old political trail. I remember Nader rallies in 2000, Gore rallies later that fall and Bush rallies just weeks ago. I remember masses assembling in library mall over causes ranging from Palestinian liberation to textbook costs. I remember four, possibly five, weekend nights of my sophomore year. Most importantly, I remember a time when tuition rates were much lower.

Needless to say, I’ve walked the length of the political opinion gamut since first enrolling, although some things never changed. For example, some upperclassmen may recall the “Books not Bombs” march a few years ago — something like that I never found anything but utterly ridiculous. Anyway, last week, in the pages of this very newspaper, the editorial board ran a piece on the need for constant student action in the fight against escalating tuition. Naturally, as a sports editor, I had no role in the discussions. Yet by the grace of the conventions of modern journalism, I’ve been afforded the opportunity to respond.

Currently, there’s a war brewing here in the state capital. Although it’s a romantic notion to assume the conflict rages between oppressed students and a greedy, soulless administration, that’s just not the truth. In actuality, the term “pawn” seems a little too flattering a description of the students’ role in UW System budgeting affairs. After all, even a pawn takes a piece once in a while.

The real opponents in this contest are none other than the system administration and the state legislature, two bodies much at odds of late. One could argue, and I have, all day as to the desperate situation of the Wisconsin taxpayer and the need for drastic reform, but it’s come to the point where convincing the students of this plight seems an unnecessary step. So here’s the bottom line: When it comes to taxes, here in Wisconsin, folks simply will not settle for the status quo.

“G’damn already,” they’re saying from Michicot to Eau Claire. “Are we honestly supposed to believe that every dollar dropped before the regents is stretched to the limit?” A question always returned with a “Well, no, but…” After enough phony answers and half-assed solutions, the elbowroom for moderation tends to become scarce.

Now, it’s a popular misconception here in the state’s most liberal city that suburban neo-cons and backwater racists have steered our representation in the legislature hard to the right.

Well, not exactly. Since the fateful election of 1890, Wisconsin has been a strongly Democratic state, and likely to remain so. Yet the failure among far too many liberals to recognize the source of this reactionary malaise constitutes a dangerous faux pas. There are certainly lessons to be learned from the recent ousting of Senate majority leader Mary Panzer — ones that can only go unheeded for so long.

If I were to teach a class to freshman out-of-staters — let’s call it Wisconsin 101 — the first thing I would write on the board would be this: if there’s a budget shortfall, don’t think, don’t assume, don’t even suggest the taxpayer should pony up to bridge the gap. Trust me, you’ll sooner see the Brewers suit up in a Fall Classic. The issue then becomes a matter of damage control, one with a simple solution for the UW bigwigs. In short, cut the system body where it will release the greatest cry (although, certainly not administration) and pass the rest on to the students so they can take up the cause like some sick, predictable little puppet.

In the hair-pulling, sand-throwing, pale-stealing playground of state politics, the behavior proves a typical modus operandi. After all, God forbid the system become more efficient. That might cost useless jobs.

What do you know, PCU was right all along. So where’s our tuition going?

I had the opportunity recently to review the Legislative Audit Bureau’s fall report on UW System payrolls in depth. To assert the system employed intentionally deceptive methods to conceal its administrative bloat would prove a reckless allegation without definitive evidence, yet I see little cause to relent my suspicions. Pardon me for dwelling on logistics, but various methodologies aside, five non-administrative staff members spending one-fifth of their time serving an administrative function removes the need for another administrative position and should, collectively, be calculated as such. I realize it seems trivial, but it makes all the difference in the world (to the tune of roughly 15 versus 5 percent of the system budget).

But that’s just the beginning. In actuality, there’s so much fat to burn on the UW System that business-minded fiscal conservatives are looking in hungrily like overzealous aerobics instructors.

There’s your culprit, ladies and gentlemen. Not some mythical beast in a cave to the west, just a handful of bureaucrats right here in our hometown. It helps the cause to know thy enemy, and its name is waste. Students, if you really want tuition growth checked, at least get on the winning side. Fight for fiscal responsibility in higher education and cut the strings dangling down from atop Bascom Hill.

Only one other practical option lies before you: Shut up and write the check.

Patrick Klemz ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in journalism.