DES MOINES, Iowa — The Democratic voters of Iowa have spoken and their message is clear: taking potshots at President Bush is no way to gain the party’s nomination.

Indeed, the real story in Monday’s caucuses isn’t that Sen. John Kerry and his soft, charismatic façade shattered expectations and claimed 38 percent of the vote, but rather that Howard Dean and his bitter, anger-dependent candidacy failed to garner so much as 20 percent of the vote in a state that he, just weeks ago, was expected to sweep as the first dance step in his tango to the convention.

(Not that Dr. Dean has much of a right offering any musical moves, since his “victory” party’s location of choice for Monday’s primary was a dance hall that more closely resembled a 1970s bowling alley than any sort of presidential locale.)

And sliding into second place, well in front of the cantankerous Dr. Dean and sour Rep. Richard Gephardt, is Sen. John Edwards, another candidate who carefully treaded through the Iowa campaign with a net positive message.

But should Sen. Kerry or Sen. Edwards repeat their successes and find their name on a national ballot, it still seems rather unlikely that they would have enough sincerity and resultant warmth to defeat President Bush, who has established a track record of charitable leadership during his first three years in office.

Much should be made of the fact that Edwards surpassed Dean in yesterday’s caucuses, but the reality is that the North Carolina senator is seasoned in the art of lagging behind medical professionals; before running for elected office, Sen. Edwards worked as a plaintiff’s attorney, where he doubtlessly chased more than his fair share of ambulances.

Edwards also cast a heartless shadow over himself by voting against a ban on partial-birth abortion. His feelings on the sorts of abortion outlined in Roe v. Wade notwithstanding, Edwards apparently does not see the harm in terminating a viable infant life, an act that, thankfully, enough of his colleagues saw the inhumanity in to pass a much-overdue ban this past congressional session.

Sen. Kerry also comes up more than a tad short on matters of compassion. The Massachusetts senator once, according to the Boston Globe, referred to political opponent Gov. Bill Weld as “a guy who takes more vacations than people on welfare.” Even putting aside the jab at Gov. Weld, the comment is utterly tasteless and shows a plain lack of understanding for the welfare program.

Now it should be noted that Sen. Kerry is a war hero, and he deserves a great deal of credit for his service. It is also only fair to note that both senators have been remarkably consistent throughout their campaigns, unlike Dr. Dean, who has flip-flopped more often than the head chef at IHOP.

But compared to President Bush, neither candidate seems even worthy of having his name appear on the ballot.

The commander in chief has, to date, liberated millions of people from one of the most brutal dictators of the modern era, freed millions of other Middle Easterners from the notoriously oppressive Taliban regime, signed into law a Medicare package that the Democrats couldn’t pass over the course of the past decade, given hardworking Americans a tax cut while still managing to liberate the country from the recession that President Clinton left behind, banned the aforementioned heinous partial-birth abortions and, when not combating terrorism, found the time to play tee-ball with inner-city preschoolers on the White House’s front lawn.

Still, Sens. Kerry and Edwards should be commended for taking the high road in Iowa. One caucus-going Dean-backer, when asked for his biggest quibble with Sen. Kerry, could only retort, “[He] needs to tone down his makeup.”

And Sen. Edwards’ victory speech continued to drive home the character of his campaign to date, which seems to have almost as much heart as Dr. Dean does hatred. “We don’t believe in tearing people apart,” the runner-up declared, and he heeded his own words, offering congratulations to Dr. Dean before professing his “respect and affection” for Rep. Gephardt, a candidate whose future as a viable political leader is in serious turmoil after a staggering loss in these caucuses, which he won in 1988.

Still, you are left wondering how deep the liberals’ charisma can survive in the cutthroat world of politics. It may well be that come time for the general elections, either senator’s heart could turn as cold as a mid-January day in Iowa.

Mac VerStandig ([email protected]) is a sophomore majoring in rhetoric.