There are three things that ladies just simply don’t do. A lady does not pass gas, go “number two” or masturbate. Well, at least that is what they want us guys to believe.

Though we know for a fact that the first two things do happen, it is a rare occasion that women will give you a chance to witness their bodily functions. This is a phenomenon much like the mystery of why women go to the bathroom in groups; now that I think about it, maybe this is just an excuse for the other girls who have been holding a big loud one in for five minutes to get to the bathroom — but I can’t prove it.

Although not all women masturbate, I believe that there are more girls and women who enjoy a good solo sex session than they would like us to know about. It is not a conspiracy (okay, maybe it is), but it seems that the ladies are more likely to keep their solo missions to planet Orgasm secret than men are.

It is a shame that some of the women who do pleasure themselves aren’t proud enough to admit it. From a straight guy’s perspective, watching a girl bring herself to climax is one of the next-best things to the threesome when it comes to the most popular men’s fantasies.

Beyond that, the act of masturbation has a plethora of benefits for the person doing it; most importantly, it teaches one what feels best for them. Learning about your own body and what makes it quake through masturbation is one of the easiest ways to improve life in the bedroom, and in this humble sex columnist’s eyes, is a practice that should be practiced by everyone.

Sex toys have been around for centuries, dating back to ancient Greece, and have only continued to improve in efficiency and effectiveness with the advancement of technology. For those looking for variety or something new, a good sex toy could be the answer to your prayers — whether it’s used with a partner or by yourself.

However, finding the right toy could be a little difficult, as most adult stores do not allow patrons to test-drive their goods. Luckily for those looking to buy dildos, dongs, personal massagers and many other sex-related toys and treats, there is a new fad in town.

The pleasure party, with aliases such as “passion party” or “sex-toy party,” utilizes the same idea as a Tupperware party, where the sex-toy salesperson comes to a house or other location specified by the host in order to demonstrate and educate people about their products in a comfortable setting.

These parties are usually thrown by and for women; however, I recently had the honor of being a guest at one, which was a really neat experience for me. Though another guy showed up later at the party, I was surprisingly comfortable being in a room full of sex toys with a somewhat large group of women.

Before the party, I was fairly nervous that I would either be too turned on and embarrassed, or worried that I was making the women uncomfortable. Thankfully, the manner in which Katie, the salesperson, facilitated the party made all the guests, including myself, feel at ease.

After a game of “Pass the Penis,” which combined “hot potato” and “musical chairs,” modified by passing an 18-inch two-sided dildo around a circle between the participants’ legs, I think everyone was laughing too hard to be nervous. We were also given a “Sex Toy IQ Quiz” to fill out.

After the icebreakers, Katie started her presentation, which progressed from the mild to the wild, which allowed the guests to be eased into the “kinkier” stuff. By starting with massage aids such as lotions, oils and non-sexual massagers and moving to edible lotions, potions and powders before getting into the 18-inch double dildos and cock rings, it made it easy for anyone who might have had reservations about sex toys to be comfortable and less intimidated.

Katie also provided tips on buying sex toys. For example, she suggested that if a girl wanted to introduce the use of sex toys into sessions with a partner, the girl should start with something small, which would be less intimidating to a male partner.

Along with the “Rabbit”-style vibrators with models that have features such as rotating, spinning or pumping shafts, multiple speeds, intensities and patterns, and a clit vibrator which makes it doubly pleasing, she gave samples of edible oils, lotions and powders that the guests were able to test out on their arms.

Most interesting to me, however, were the sensitizing creams for both women and men. Though I was slightly nervous about actually trying the “Good Head” product, which sensitizes the penis, making orgasm quicker and more intense, I was still easily talked into sampling it in the bathroom. I am now fairly excited to try it out with a partner.

However, my excitement was nothing compared to that of some of the girls, who tried a similar product designed for women, which goes on the clitoris and makes it very sensitive. As Katie put it, the product makes it a “party in your pants,” and because the majority of girls who tried it agreed with her, that potion also made it onto my shopping list; our friendly salesperson said it adds to the pleasure of oral sex for both parties, because it is flavored.

The catalogue, available for purchase for the small price of three dollars, was very detailed and helpful in finding and sizing products that were not present at the demonstration. The products ranged from the most popular “bullet” style (a small egg-shaped vibrator designed mainly for use on the clit or testicles) to bondage restraints and abnormally large fake penises, though not all of the products in the catalogue were available for viewing.

For the most part, however, an example of every type of toy or product in the catalogue was either shown to or sampled by us, and luckily there are products available for a range of prices that makes buying sex toys and products affordable to everyone, no matter what one’s personal budget is.

Ladies, whether it’s your thing or not, I highly recommend at least attending one of these parties, if for nothing more than to see what is available. For those of you who either wish to throw one of these parties, or have more questions about the details, our friendly salesperson, Katie Brandt, can be reached by e-mail at [email protected] or by phone at (608) 235-5183.

Remember to be safe and sanitary, as a clean rabbit is more fun to play with than a dirty one: wash each sex toy before and after use, use plenty of lube, and, if involving another person, use a condom.