Today’s column is about culture. I know there are more trying things going on in the world, like if the Dixie Chicks or Buckwheat Zydeco should be Madison’s official music group, or the war in Cuba. However, it might be best to take a break from the everyday routine and learn something new for once.
For example, did you know that only 24 miles outside of Der Rathskeller lies the world’s largest and most complete collection of prepared mustards and mustard-related equipment? “The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum” boasts over 400 prepared mustards from all 50 states and over 60 countries. Damn.
First of all, in the condiments arms race, colored ketchups have overtaken mustard. No longer can you go to McDonalds or Burger King and receive mustard out of pump machines, but you can get green ketchup at Burger King.
If you are really into your mustards, you can receive various degrees in mustard expertise at the locally owned and operated Poupon U. Everything from an M.D. (mustard doctor) to a Ph.D. (philosopher of Dijon) is offered. Courses include “Jean Paul Sartre and the Existentialism of Mustard” and “The ecodynamics of mustard management” whose course description is “Will the professor have even the slightest idea of what this course is about? Will he show up sober? Will his fly be zipped?”
Now, for some more serious content. Plastic surgery is no longer just for Anna Nicole, Pamela Anderson or maybe even Brtiney Spears. Next time you gaze into the eyes of a head of cattle, you might be looking at the animal kingdom’s equivalent of Wendy Whoppers.
More specifically, some farmers have taken to giving their cattle bovine “boob jobs.” What they really are doing is artificially making the cow’s udders more attractive to judges at livestock shows. In hopes of selling their cow’s genetic code, which happens to be worth a whole lot of moola, these farmers will inject saline into the utter to fatten it up, or even isobutane gas foamies. However, right here at UW, researchers have been hard at work and have a method that would all but eliminate the udder tampering. It’s a new technology called ultrasound.
Udders aside, if you travel to the hometown of this columnist, you will visit the bicycling capital of America. In the event of a nuclear attack on Washington, D.C., it is well-known that Sparta would be the next in line to run the country. Within Sparta you will find the world’s largest bike as well as the world’s largest bike rider, Ben Biking.
Now, if you are reading this column on the john, make an effort to see if the john is really a Kohler. In Sheboygan, toilet tycoon John Michael Kohler founded what is today the most powerful bathroom products corporation in the world. Today, latrine queen Herbert V. Kohler continues to run the bastion of bathrooms right here in our very state.
These are some fascinating facts about Wisconsin. There is more to Wisconsin than mustard, udder implants and toilets. On a final note, the Milwaukee Brewers currently hold the longest streak for a professional team not making the playoffs. Somehow, I don’t think that will change this year.
