Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Secret to solving Wisconsin’s budget woes

I have the answer to all of our budget woes in Wisconsin. We need more taxes. A lot more.

Governor McCallum just does not get it. He believes this state is already taxed too much and that the people who pay the bills (i.e. the taxpayers) need a break. McCallum thinks less government is more efficient and leads to economic growth. He wants to limit our expenditures and eliminate the billion-dollar deficit. He thinks we should stop spending money on programs we cannot afford.

That’s a bunch of blarney, I say. Just think of the opportunities Wisconsin might reap if we increased our taxes. My tax-increase plan focuses on one simple objective: Reduce the population of this state. The more we tax people, the more likely we will be able to get rid of them. If you are a Green or an environmentalist, you will definitely appreciate the merits of the plan. After all, people pollute our lakes and breathe air. Fewer of them is better. Below you will find a few of my humble suggestions.

We need a tax on tuition. Some people might confuse this with a tuition hike, but we shouldn’t let that deter us. Students at the University of Wisconsin will most likely go on to make a lot of money. Paying a little more for the opportunity seems like common sense. Consider it your first real experience with the taxman, and get used to it.

The state of Virginia made my parents pay $1,000 each year for the luxury of owning a car. We should directly implement such a plan.

Speaking of cars–anyone who has a Green Bay Packers bumper sticker needs a tax. There are a lot of you out there, and we want your money.

A tea tax. Yes, we should have a tea tax, but let’s make sure we don’t bring it in on ships this time.

Criminals need to be taxed. After committing the crime, doing the time is just not enough. All people who break the law need to be taxed for doing so.

Every time someone sings the song “Varsity,” they need a tax.

An academy tax sounds reasonable. Let’s start with the professors. They’re smarter than us, so they ought to be taxed (this goes for TAs as well).

The working class is not off the hook, either. All people who use their hands need to be subjected to a hand tax.

A hunter tax. I don’t know what it is, but double it.

Other states have implemented a view tax, which people have to pay if they have really good views from their windows. We should immediately take advantage of this idea. Under my plan, the term “good view” will be determined by fairly liberal judges. That is, you’ll get the tax if you can see a crowded and congested street under your window.

We need to tax volunteers. Soup-kitchen workers, people who volunteer for the homeless and people who help the elderly need a tax.

Do you like listening to the radio? You know the deal. Consider it a duty and honor to your state.

There is one restriction, however. All the money we collect under my plan must be donated to the citizens of Illinois and Iowa. If we placed the revenue in public programs or services here, that would encourage people to stay, and we don’t want that. Illinois and Iowa could massively expand their programs and services and thus draw more residents out of Wisconsin.

The Democrats here in Wisconsin clearly know what they are doing. They realize that more taxes mean fewer people, and that’s a good thing. They support our environment and understand that people are a detriment to it. I support their efforts to get rid of people.

Republicans will tell you that high-tax states punish businesses who would otherwise locate here and provide jobs. We don’t need those jobs. They are for the polluting masses, who will only disturb our pristine state.

Someone might counter my argument with the tired old fact that we are the third-highest-taxed state in the nation. I say, why not aim for number one? The benefits are astounding.

Anna Gould ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in political science.

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