There are plenty of very good teachers at this university who love their subjects and take the time to help undergraduate students. This article is not about those teachers. This is a tale of two professors. Names and departments are irrelevant, but what these two individuals do in their classrooms is of some interest.

Professor X is currently lecturing about Third World countries and their efforts to democratize. Somehow the lecture always comes back to the evils of the West, and particularly the United States. With Sept. 11 behind us, nobody wants to pull a “Bill Keyes” maneuver. That is, they have to choose their words carefully so people do not attack them for being anti-American. So this semester, a professor has to say, “While I love the U.S. . . .” and end with, “And that is why the U.S. is the Great Satan.” Before 9/11, the latter statement was all he would need.

After he spouts his anti-Western rhetoric, he gives us “the talk.” This has happened at least twice now. I’ll paraphrase what is said and include what is meant in parentheses: “Now, class, there are people out there (total idiots) who think what we are discussing in this classroom is ridiculous and silly. They would laugh at you if you tried to promote your (leftist) ideas. You have to understand that by being at UW-Madison (the all-knowing and dominant institution), you are different (superior), and know things those on the outside do not.

“Your (leftist) opinion is respected more (than the average moron who does not attend our excellent institution).”

I always chuckle at this one because there are many students here who cannot even place the Civil War in the right century. Anyway, the arrogance is laughable; the presumption that we all think like him is breathless.

Professor X, while discussing Thailand or Burma, has also quoted from an anti-Pope rag, which still baffles me today. While admitting militant Islam has created problems in the democratization process in the Middle East, he went on to say that Catholicism is quite a “problem” the Irish are dealing with on abortion. Professor X must assume there are no Irish Catholics in his class, who might conclude he is a bigot. He is wrong to make such an assumption.

Besides the blatant cultural relativism, he also applauds Brazil for stealing drug patents from pharmaceutical companies. This guy says “enlightened self-interest” leads companies to steal drug patents.

“I think the Brazilians have a lot to be proud of,” he said. “They copied the drug. If you don’t like that, you can say they pirated or stole it.” He also said, when “greedy” nations like the United States or Great Britain try to stop the stealing, small nations are intimidated.

“You can’t afford to do the right thing,” he said. The “right thing” for this guy means stealing. Where do we get these people? What about research and development, Professor? The pathetic part is when he admits he does not know exactly how the money is spent in drug companies.

Professor Y is another story. This teacher likes to fixate on one man, Sen. Jesse Helms. Somehow, Helms made it into almost every lecture given. I wanted to say, “OK, OK. We get it. Let’s move on.”

On the last day of class, Professor Y said, “Get ready for some preaching,” and did he mean it. He was somehow able to fit everything from abortion, civil rights, the environment, and a friend’s death into a 50-minute “preaching” session. I’m not sure if he was able to fit in campaign-finance reform.

After I wrote a letter of concern to his department, Professor Y wrote a letter of his own to me. Here I was, a passive and concerned student, getting a beat-down from a professor. He chided me for not agreeing with the rest of the class that he had a firm grasp of his subject.

“Why don’t you look up the reviews of my books and see what twenty or thirty other scholars have to say about my grasp of [my subject]?” he wrote.

The letter was about two pages long and ended with, “You will go on being Anna Gould, which I hope gets easier.” This guy is a professor, believe it or not.

Professors, please do not assume we are like you. I don’t know how you managed to bring in the Bush-Gore debate in a pre-1800s English class.

And I’m still unclear as to whether or not Chaucer was for gun control. A source says a teacher distributed my column to his English class and said, “This is an example of bad reasoning.”

Teach us the subject, and then leave us kids alone.

Anna Gould ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in political science.