Welcome to Hump Day, your weekly hot spot for getting off and getting informed in all matters of sex, pleasure, relationships and sexual health. I’m Sam, your resident sex columnist and titillator extraordinaire. You can write to me and the other lovely ladies of Hump Day right here at [email protected] with your sexuality quandaries and curiosities. Email me with your questions or else I will write about whatever I feel like, and you don’t want to know the pervy, kinky places my mind goes OR read my nerdy reproductive health rants.

But heed this warning! This is not Cosmo or AskMen. I will be crude and I will be graphic. And I have been known to cause boners in lecture halls, so for the love of God, DO NOT read The Badger Herald in class on Wednesdays. But hey, this is the mail home issue, and I know your families are reading, so let’s keep it PG (or as PG as I can be) for this one. I give you your Off-to-Campus Checklist, the one that Target and Kohl’s forgot to provide you with.

Mini dry erase board 

Obligatory freshman dorm living clich?s aside, dry erase boards for your door have serious sex life-boosting potential. If you or you roommate are at all sexually active or aim to be, I’d suggest you decide early on what your code word is going to be for getting some. Make it something inconspicuous that you can work into a sentence and that only the two of you will know, like “paper towels” or “Babcock Ice Cream.” If you write, “GETTING LAID, COME BACK L8R, K!”? I guarantee that approximately three-fourths of your floor mates will bang on your door, hoot and holler and make mock moaning noises just to disturb you. But if you leave no note, it is much more likely that your roomie will turn the key to see you or your humpmate’s bare ass thrusting in the air.

Waterproof mattress protector 

I’m assuming that by now someone has informed you that the dorm beds aren’t exactly of the luxury pillow top variety and that you should be supplying your own padded mattress topper. But have you considered the thrills and spills that will be going down atop that pad? If you’re investing in some memory foam-quality stuff that you want to last for future years, you may want to also throw that vinyl slip in the cart, lest you later discover the crusted-over nostalgia of romp sessions and sex juices when you pull back the sheets.

Vibrator

At some point, you will get sexually frustrated and will need to clear your mind or fall asleep with a selfie quickie. Make sure to pick a toy that is versatile, cheap and quiet. Versatile because you won’t have a lot of storage space for a whole toy box, so you want something that can do a lot of tricks, cheap because you’re on a Ramen noodles budget and quiet because you don’t want your whole floor knowing when you are diddling yourself. For dorm style living, I like the Ramona vibrator from Madison’s local sexuality boutique, A Woman’s Touch. Ramona is an awesome starter vibrator that is whisper quiet, has a curved end for g-spot stimulation and is super slim so you can use it to slide in between bodies when you’re not alone. And it’s only $20. Fellas, I’m talking about you too. Take your hand to the next level with a jerk-off sleeve that has a removable bullet vibrator.

Safer sex method 

If you’ve got eggs and like to fuck with people who make sperm, it’s probably a good idea to consider how you’re going to prevent the two from meeting. Condoms are always the best go-to because they have the added bonus of preventing sexually transmitted infections. You can get all different kinds for free around campus at places like University Health Services, Sex Out Loud, the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Campus Center, the Campus Women’s Center and Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment. But just in case you’re too schwasted to put on a condom properly or even remember to, an option like an IUD, implant, shot, or patch is also good to have in place. Visit bedsider.org to look at your various birth control options.

STI screening

You can totally wait until you get to campus to get this done. And you should-because it’s free for students. It’s always nice to start the year knowing your baseline health status. You’ll need an online appointment and, in most cases, a full bladder for a pee test, but the whole thing only takes 20 minutes. Your MyUHS portal is private, so only you and the health care provider will know your appointment time and results.

Read more from the Hump Day gals every Wednesday and send your sizzling questions to [email protected].