I want to share a personal experience with you all: During a recent hook-up, something startling happened. The other person asked me for my consent at every step of the way, and I mean every step. “Can I take your shirt off now”? “Do you like having your neck kissed”? “What do you want to do next”? in a low, breathy, sultry voice.

And let me tell you, it was hot. Startling, yes, but that was because it was a brand new concept. No one had ever asked in that way before, but I highly recommend giving it a try sometime.

It is always the responsibility of the person initiating sex to actively get consent and not just wait for the other person to give it up.

I have heard some people say that the confusion about consent is due to the vague way in which people say no. So just to be clear – “I have a headache,” means no. “I’m not in the mood,” also means no. These are not open invitations to provide counterarguments such as “take an Advil,” or “I can get you in the mood [wink, wink].” These are nice ways of politely declining an offer in a way meant to cushion the blow of hurt feelings.

We tend to treat sex as a game of collect and conquer. A lot of this stems from the way we speak about sex – fuck them, screw them, bang them, do them. Notice how this implies we are doing things to each other instead of with each other?

I get it – when we are horny and we really want to get with someone, we just want to let them know how much it would rock to rock their world. But if we ever find ourselves trying to convince someone to have sex with us, that is probably an indication we should back off. Saying things like, “But don’t you love me”? or “It’ll feel really good,” or “You owe me,” or even – and I’ve heard this one before – “But baby, it’s my birthday” can all be considered coercion. Coerced sex equals non-consensual sex.

Enthusiasm is important. We want people to want to have sex with us, right? Otherwise, what is the point? They are not going to enjoy it, and I have a feeling if they are not into it, it is going to be boring for you as well. Simply lying there and taking it does not count as enthusiastic in my book.

Just one last reminder about alcohol since many students want to know how much is too much to drink: Three-fourths of sexual assault cases on our campus involve the use of alcohol. I cannot provide you with a blood alcohol level at which a person is no longer able to give consent, but that is not the point. Plus, I doubt most of you keep a breathalyzer with your condom supply anyway.

But a good general rule to live by is this: If we would not feel comfortable giving someone the keys to our car to drive us home, we should not be having sex with them. If there is any inkling in our minds that the person we are trying to hook up with would say no in a sober state of mind, it is a better idea to wait until they are sobered up to ask. The sex will probably be more coherent anyway. Being a bit buzzed is much different than being intoxicated; slurred words, stumbling and unconsciousness are all tell-tale confirmations that your partner can no longer give consent under Wisconsin law.

I am rather confused about the confusion surrounding consent. Badgers, I gotta ask you – what kind of sex are you having out there if you are not asking for consent? Because asking for consent involves asking what turns your partner on and what they like. It opens the door to the pleasurable world of participatory sexual experiences.

In the foreword of a book called “Yes Means Yes,” Margaret Cho – who happens to be my favorite comedian – expands even further on the concept of consent. In reflecting on her experiences, she begins to understand all the sex she has had in her life was not truly consensual.

She writes, “I said ‘yes’ because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t want to defend my ‘no,’ qualify it, justify it, deserve it.”

Ask yourself – have you ever had sex just because you felt obligated to?

So I am calling on you all to help each other out. Remember how I said consent can be sexy a couple of weeks ago? I gave you all some examples; now it is your turn. Send us your sexiest, coolest, most casual ways to ask for consent that have worked for you. Let us brainstorm with each other and swap tips. We will publish the best ones submitted.

Badgers, I know you are all smart, and most of this info may seem obvious. But let us remember that one in four women on this campus and one in 33 men will be the victim of rape or attempted rape before they graduate. That is a whole lot of lack of consent! So, let us use these rules and ask for permission before we do things to each other’s bodies, shall we? It is just plain polite!

Sam the sexpert wants you to send her your sexiest, coolest ways to ask for consent at [email protected].