Spring Break Romance: The Protocol

If you know me – or if you read this column – you’ve probably never thought, “Wow, that Rachel Dickens is a really concise girl.” My stories are long winded, and people I do and don’t know frequently tell me to stop talking, so as hard as this is for me, I’m going to delve into today’s topic without any frills or hypothetical backstories.

The Question: Are vacation hook-ups a recipe for awkwardness, or do they really live up to the no-strings hype?

In light of spring break, I’ve been thinking about the many factors that go into vacation romance, and all the obvious and not-so obvious ways it’s different from hooking up at school. Side note: Try to say the phrase “vacation romance” out loud without sounding like a phone-sex operator. I just tried and genuinely don’t think it’s possible.

If you’re single and going somewhere spring break-ish next week, chances are you wouldn’t be opposed to a casual fling, a la “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.” Something to keep in mind are “trip goggles;” similar to the common expression “beer goggles,” this phenomenon occurs during a vacation when people you’d normally find heinously unattractive and/or socially inept suddenly seem hotter than Jake Gyllenhaal (nude) in “Love and Other Drugs.”

But before you land in Tropical Paradise X and the trip goggles attach themselves in full force, you’ll want to consider some protocol to ensure an amazing week, romantically and otherwise. And if you’re not going on vacation, keep reading anyway – I’m sure you’ll nod your head and laugh at my “jokes” at least once.

Safety First

Regardless of how promiscuous you plan to be on spring break, protecting yourself should be your number-one, all-out, balls-to-the-walls concern. Make sure to pack whatever contraceptives you may need – condoms and the whole sha-bang. If you don’t end up using them, one of your friends probably will.

If you’re female and on some form of birth control, make sure to be an OCD freak-show like me and consider the time change of wherever you’ll be compared to when you usually take your pill. Even if there’s a zero percent chance you’ll have sex next week, it’s always helpful to stay on schedule.

Don’t get taken – or taken advantage of, for that matter

Some may argue the opposite, but I think the biggest pitfall of vacation hookups is the sheer randomness of it all. Sure, it’s fun to make out with someone you just met at Se?or Frogs who you’re pretty sure is named “Larry,” but anything beyond that can get sketchy real fast.

It’s no lie that questionable characters lurk around spring break spots, so please, before you do anything worth regretting, make sure the person you’re with is marginally legit. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about their friends, if and where they go to school, their mother’s maiden name and their blood type (too far?). I know it’ll be hard in the heat of the moment, but being a little too inquisitive is always better than ending up with some creepy sketch-ball.

How do you say “ball and chain” in Spanish?

When you make the decision to begin a spring break romance, you run the risk of falling into a trip relationship. If you hook up with someone on your first night in Punta Cana, por ejemplo, you may find yourself with them the next night, and the night after that, and swimming with sting rays with them the next day, and bam – you’re discussing “what to do” after the trip is over. Yikes.

Okay, I’m sure some very successful long-term relationships begin this way, and if yours did, I’m sorry for being a bitch. But truth be told, spring break hookups work best as an accessory to the overall vacation experience, and letting one consume your trip could keep you from enjoying time with your friends and other fun activities like tanning and drinking things that come in really tall glasses.

Clear skies, full cups, can’t lose! (I’m a tool. And I don’t even watch “Friday Night Lights.”)

While it’s necessary to look out for yourself no matter where you are, always remember: The Madison safety net extends nowhere near our Spring Break destinations. At school, we have our apartments and dorms, Facebook-induced knowledge of our extended social circles and our friends close by when we need them. But on spring break, we trade that security for all-inclusive drinks and a blatant disregard for responsibility, which is awesome as long as we keep an eye on our friends, keep our heads on straight and keep ourselves away from any and all weird diseases.

Rachel Dickens is a senior majoring in communication arts and journalism. Questions? Comments? E-mail [email protected].