In an effort to write some hilarious comedy, I bought the new Unicorn Drink from Starbucks and, you guessed it, it sucks. Here are some thoughts I had while drinking it:
1. There’s something sour that probably shouldn’t be in here.
2. The people who saw me order this probably thought my girlfriend controls my life.
3. LOL they think I have a girlfriend.
4. This wouldn’t go great with most things.
5. I think I found a rock in it.
6. It kind of tastes like what you think I’m thinking about.
7. This could be decent with some rum or bleach or something.
8. Would Prince have drank this?
9. Even the whipped cream sucks.
10. Howard Schultz you motherfucker.
11. It has a nice color though.
12. What would Tomi Lahren have to say about this?
13. I could buy a matching pussy hat right now.
14. Boy, do I need to go exercise.
15. How the fuck am I only halfway done with this thing?
16. More rocks.
17. Lactose is something I don’t understand.
18. Is this some sort of Easter ploy to come back after their war on Christmas?
19. Why unicorns? No minotaurs?
20. I thought the Starbucks logo was a fish for years.
21. I’ve been drinking this for an hour now, and the diarrhea is just starting to kick in.
22. Thank god I didn’t pay for this with my own money.
