The rise in popularity of the infamous electric scooter has practically derailed the stable ecosystem that was once the University of Wisconsin campus. Nothing screams “I peaked in high school track” more than the 5’11 man zooming past you on your way to your 9:55 — AirPods in both ears to drown out the noise of his victims. We already know Badgers are accustomed to not looking for cars when crossing the street, but now we have to look for scooters? Ridiculous.
So let’s talk about it. There has to be a way to nip this epidemic in the bud. Luckily, there are various signs that can be recognized in those who may fall victim to the electric scooter.
If you or a loved one are experiencing any of these symptoms, you may be in danger of considering an electric scooter as an acceptable form of transportation.
1) Sudden onset fear of sidewalks
If you’re starting to get antsy at the sight of a simple concrete path, itching for more, you may be at risk. Sidewalks were built for leisurely transportation — old dogs, retired elderly couples, mothers with scooters. Not real-life Mario-Kart or a scene from Paul Blart Mall Cop.
2) Unsatisfactory feelings associated with the speed of your bike
Your bike suddenly feels too slow? Another sign. Feeling the need to ride 30 miles per hour to class while taking out everyone in your path is not normal. I promise being on time to your Consumer Behavior lecture is never that serious.
3) Memory loss
Trouble remembering the tons of people you’ve seen experience almost-fatal crashes with these scooters is a key symptom. Do you really want to be the reason innocent pedestrians start investing in helmets?
4) Social blindness
A classic symptom. Are you starting to feel as if things like venti caramel frappuccinos, visiting your high school for “fun” or shirts that say “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” are cool? Unfortunately, you may be in the category of “high risk.” This is a dangerous place to be. Seek help immediately.
5) Sudden urge to leave random objects in places they don’t belong
This is a primary characteristic of those who travel via electric scooter. Crosswalk, campus building, middle of the road, you name it — they’re left everywhere. Except for back in their parking space, of course.
6) Scooter-to-personality pipeline
Finally, have you caught yourself immediately associating people with electric scooters with the mere fact that they have one? For example, a friend mentions someone she became friends with in her discussion. You reply, “Oh, her? The one with the scooter?” Unacceptable. Riding an electric scooter should not be an identifiable character trait, unless in a negative light.
If you take away one thing from this PSA, it should be that catching this illness early is key to a speedy recovery. Feeling as if you’re already in too deep? Do NOT worry. Help is available. Luckily, your tuition grants you a free UW student Metro Transit bus pass. Stay safe out there, Badgers.
