Egg prices are through the roof, and honestly, that’s fine. Who needs eggs when you can survive entirely off of free club event pizza, dining hall bagels, and an ever-rotation lineup of campus giveaways? At this point, your diet consists of 80% free food, 15% caffeine and 5% mystery “fruit” of some sort from the dining hall that has the same texture as a stress ball.

You didn’t plan on becoming a professional event-crasher, but somewhere along the way, it just … happened. It started small — grabbing an extra cookie at a club meeting, sneaking a second plate at a campus dinner. Then, suddenly, you’re a full-fledged free-food opportunist.

A student org hands you a flyer, and now you’re RSVP’s for a meeting about sustainability initiatives you have no stake in because they promised free Insomnia Cookies. That networking event? Didn’t talk to a single person, but you did leave with three mini sandwiches and a can of Poppi. The Badger Beekeeping Club? You’ve never cared about a bee in your life, but if they’re offering free mac and cheese bites, you are suddenly passionate about honey production.

Meanwhile, the dining halls have become lawless wastelands. At Gordon’s, Eggcetra (the omelet station for those not familiar with the ins and outs of Gordon’s) is a high-stakes gamble. The “scrambled eggs” look like something out of a dystopian sci-fi film. Hard-boiled eggs? Might as well be dragon eggs because you’ve never actually seen one. You’d love to afford your own, but at this point, you’d have to take out another student loan just to make an omelet at home. 

But free food events? That’s where you thrive. You’ve developed an entire persona for when you walk into these rooms. If anyone asks why you’re there, you’ve perfected the vague, nod-and-smile response: “Oh, I’m really interested in (insert club name here)”. You have mastered the art of fake enthusiasm. You could be at a seminar on advanced water purification techniques, and you’d be standing there nodding like hmmm yes, fascinating while clutching a plate of free breadsticks. 

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’ve attended so many club meetings that you’re actually starting to recognize people. Someone waves at you across the room, and you panic. Have you been to enough meetings that you’re now expected to contribute? Did you accidentally join the club? Oh god, are you on the executive board now? You open your GroupMe to find yourself in a chat titled “Sustainable Agriculture Planning Committee,” and suddenly, you have a leadership role. At this point, you’re too deep in. You might as well keep going.

But honestly, if it means free bagels at every meeting, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.