In a shocking turn of events, President Trump has rescinded his nomination for Linda McMahon to be the Secretary of Education and instead tapped local UW frat guy, Kyle Whiteman, to be his new nominee.
This announcement came earlier this week through the POTUS’s YikYak account, bigBootyTrump. Whiteman happens to be a business major here at UW Madison, and while it is unclear how Trump came to learn about Kyle, sources near the president claim that there was something about Kyle’s name that really spoke to the President.
Skepticism from many Americans has been raised about Kyle’s experience for the job, but President Trump was quick to crush these rumors. Yesterday, BigBootyTrump yakked, “I got to meet Kyle Whiteman last week, and let me just say, Kyle has some of the best coloring pages I’ve ever seen. If you saw the same coloring books I did, you’d know he was the man for this job.”
Whiteman’s trip to the White House was celebrated with a game of beer pong on the North Lawn with frat guys from around the nation.
The Badger Herald was able to sit down with Whiteman where he recounted his game with Trump: “Yeah man, the President is lowkey chill. Like dude, we’re definitely gonna invite him to our frat for Lily’s, and honestly, I hope he rushes this semester.”
When asked how Whiteman plans to deal with the looming shortage of teachers and dropping wages, Whiteman stated that his team would transition the US education system away from “useless classes like English, math and science” and replace them with personal finance, BUS ED 101, and more gym classes. Whiteman also raised concerns about how kids these days do not know how to trade stocks, nor know about the DOW JONES.
While we had more questions for Whiteman, especially his disappearance from the UW campus between Jan. 3-7 in 2021, he abruptly left after realizing he had run out of Zyns and rushed to the nearest convenience store to restock.
Whiteman is surprisingly not the only nominee from UW. In fact, freshman pre-law student Sarah Smith was recently nominated for Attorney General. When asked why Trump chose her, the president stated she “is a hot prospect with lots of potential. Not to mention she’s a real smoke show.”
We asked Sara about her nomination, to which she said, “Please do not nominate me for Attorney General.I have taken zero legal classes and know nothing about the legal system. I’ve only taken gen eds. I have no experience. I’ve only seen like two episodes of Suits and that’s all I know about the law. I beg you, please do not nominate me.”
Trump cited Smith’s humility and honesty as exactly what we need from government officials and precisely why she should be Attorney General.
Smith’s confirmation hearing took place at the end of January. Senators asked her grueling questions like “Can I have your number?” or “Is murder a crime?” and despite Smith’s inability to answer a single legal-related question correctly and her adamant disapproval of the nomination, she was voted in with 75 for and 25 against. It is expected that Whiteman’s confirmation will go smoothly just like Smith’s.
As we at The Badger Herald are world renowned as the best newspaper organization, we have several sources in the White House, and recently there have been rumors of other potential nominees for President Trump’s cabinet.
Surprisingly, many of these rumors relate to UW Madison students. For Secretary of Defense, Trump is eyeing a Comp Sci major, reportedly due to their inability to shower being a great defense not only against women, but also anyone who wishes to invade our country.
To maximize the efficacy and usability of this biohazard of a stench, the White House is in talks with scientists and inventors across the nation to create a pheromone grenade that would release the Comp Sci student smell, thereby neutralizing the enemy.
For the Secretary of Interior, the Trump team is considering an interior design major. It is unclear at this time whether President Trump realizes that this position does not actually entail decorating the rooms of the White House.
