Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
As the road to the November 2024 elections begins to heat up, The Badger Herald has committed to maintaining the quality, cutting-edge coverage you’ve come to expect out of a student newspaper not officially endorsed by the university. With the United States counting down the days until the eventual legislative branch approved dance-off that decides who gets another chance at the throne, a new, old candidate has stepped up into the campaign for office. Former United States president and member of the Federalist Party John Quincy Adams has been recently raised from his resting place to reenter public discourse.
While most independent, naturally occurring undead seem to be shells of their former selves, Mr. Quincy Adams has been rather eloquent. The former president, famous for his relation to other former president John Adams and being a former president, had much to say on the current status of American politics.
“I believe that we are going down the wrong road in the American political realm these days,” corpse commander and chief to the three people in Washington D.C. that knew who John Quincy Adams was said. “George Washington warned us as to the folly of becoming too entrenched in a party system.”
“Which is why I think we should get rid of the entire party system and replace it with a one party system, run by me and Necromancer Steve here,” Quincy Adams said pointing to his mysterious, cloaked and staff-wielding running mate behind him. “Necromancer Steve is a wise and powerful leader who would make a great vice-president. With his powerful necromancy — I mean with him powerful beside me, we shall lead America to a new and more efficient future.”
The Badger Herald contacts in Washington, exhausted by our constant stream of emails, finally responded.
“Well, we’ve never dealt with a long dead former executive running for office before,” anonymous Badger Herald source (Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell) said. “We do find it weird that the former Federalist president is spouting rhetoric intoning America to loosen our morals when it comes to pushing the veil between life and death through human experimentation, the right to bear large glowing staves and the loosening of dairy price controls. Those sound like libertarian talking points.”
It appeared as if the minority leader was about to continue adding to his statement, but he took an unexpected moment to pause, presumably to gather his thoughts. After a respectable moment, he suddenly snapped back to the conversation right as we inhaled to ask if he was okay.
“Then again not only was John Quincy Adams a Federalist, according to Wikipedia he was also a Democratic-Republican, a National Republican, Whig and a member of the Anti-masonic party. So frankly we have no idea what his political ideas would be anyway.”
