Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.
Just a few years ago you could say that Steven Covington was a gifted American young man. Dreaming of being a lawyer-doctor, he was working five jobs as he pursued his education.
Today, his roommate, Tex Froome, sits on the screen in front of us under different circumstances. Bags crease under his veiny eyes, he seems to be slightly malnourished and his posture is almost as bad as a Reddit user’s. He takes a pained look off into the distance, inhaling a long drag from the cigarette quivering in his weak grasp.
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“I remember it like it was yesterday, Steven came home and told me a co-worker had suggested he watch ‘The Crown,’” Froome, sealed within his now barricaded room, continues.
“I didn’t really think about it until he came out the next morning and I heard him singing ‘Rule Britannia!’ as he made tea,” Froome said.
Now Covington’s kitchen and living room sit as the first British colonial acquisitions since the 19th century. Renamed into the “kizzie” and the “livaloo” they are legally considered to be part of the British Empire, complete with a small embassy desk in the far right corner.
“It started with pretty stupid British habits he stole from watching ‘Downton Abbey,’” Froome said. “He would refer to soccer as football, call French fries ‘chips’ and drive on the wrong side of the road.”
By the start of 2023, however, Steven had begun to amass a large fleet of first-rate, three-deck ships of the line and used them to enact a series of strict housing policies.
“His acts were intolerable,” Froome sighed, taking a moment to collect himself. “While I was willing to deal with him getting 10% of my nightly ramen, making me do most of his homework and having him confiscate my entire grain supply — I drew the line when he asked me to swear allegiance to King and Country.”
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The darkness of the barricaded room is broken by a brief flickering light as Froome sparks another cigarette — the small moment of illumination throws shadows that trace the tear troughs under his eyes. He finally stammers out.
“He-he was a good dude, be-before all the English stuff,” Froome said.
Froome would leave his room the next morning and find 384 smoothbore cannons trained directly on his position. Covington’s newfound naval superiority had created an incredible power imbalance in the house. Police attempted to respond to Froome’s 911 calls, but felt there was no current threat to anyone that mattered and instead chose to watch “Punisher” on their phones in the apartment halls.
“There is no legal recourse to British colonization in American law today and now I am unable to access my beer or natural resources,” Froome said. “I don’t know what might happen to me if this continues, but I hope to spread awareness, please keep those you love away from British culture.”
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For those affected by uncensored access to British television, we encourage you to reach out to friends, lovers and family. Please for the love of God, call 1-800-TOUCHGRASS and save yourself today.
