Fictional senator Bon Bohnson from the totally fictional state of Bisconsin doesn’t believe women should have rights because he’s self-conscious about his tiny wee wee. Earlier this year, Bohnson spoke to reporters from The Badger Herald about how he came to his beliefs.
“The first and only time I ever almost had sex, the bitch I was with laughed at my wee wee,” Bohnson said. “At least I think she was laughing at my wee wee. She also might have been laughing at the skid marks on my tighty-whities. She ended up leaving and now I’m almost 70 years old, and I’m still a virgin.”
Bohnson expressed that this rejection really hurt his feelings, and sent him into a rage.
“I was furious that I wasn’t given liberty over my body,” Bohnson said. “I decided that if women wouldn’t give me the autonomy to have sex with them, they shouldn’t have the autonomy to make decisions for themselves, either. I believe in equality. They should have to suffer the consequences of their actions, just like I do, for having a tiny wee wee.”
What Bohnson failed to consider is that if he stopped acting like a dick, women might not care as much that he barely has one. Instead, he doubled down on his beliefs, publicly stating that any Bisconsinite who doesn’t like his stance on babortion should leave the state, giving Bisconsin residents an incentive to move to other fictional states, such as Billinois and Binnesota.
In the midst of all this, Bohnson was asked why he believed in the autonomy of fetuses, but not women. His response was just as sensible as the rest of his viewpoints.
“It’s women’s fault I don’t get laid,” Bohnson said. “Women don’t deserve respect from High Value Males like me. A fetus still has a chance of being born a man, so until they actually come into the world, I will fight for their rights.”
In the end, if Bohnson could simply get over his Small Dick Energy, maybe women in Bisconsin could have their reproductive rights restored.
