Banter

Merchandise ideas to replace Scott Walker’s $45 campaign T-shirts

Walker describes self as ‘thrifty,’ overcharges for clothing in recent email

by Aaron Hathaway

April 11, 2016

If $45 seems a reasonable price for a T-shirt, Gov. Scott Walker’s fundraising department might need a breath of fresh air.

Walker sent out an email Sunday asking for help paying off a $1.2 million residual debt from his failed presidential campaign, adding that donations more than $45 would earn a campaign T-shirt. But the email noted that donors could not choose size and color due to a lack of resources.

The email justified making this bizarre investment by adding that the shirts can be framed or used for craft projects. Walker has also said he considers the shirts “retro” commodities.

1. A Reasonably-Priced T-Shirt

Start with a branded T-shirt. Now here comes the twist: Don’t charge an insulting amount of money for it.

2. The Walkerball

This gubernatorial interpretation of the classic soccer ball would have Walker’s face printed on the surface of the ball. Wind up and boot our revered leader’s face into the net! Everyone wins.

3. Walker-Talkers

These branded gadgets are the key to playing out your security guard fantasies. You’ll be able tell your friend, “I am glad I spent $45 on these babies,” using the power of radio!

4. Walker Executive Child Leash

Slip your son or daughter into this stylish harness and take them outside without fearing they’ll run away to a better parent. Maybe they’ll like it more if you say, “let’s go for a Walker” with a jovial wink.

5. Scott Sauce

No, it’s not hot sauce. Scott Sauce hasn’t been approved by the FDA, and the Walker administration refuses to divulge its ingredients. What we do know is that the flavor it brings to your tuna melt is well worth $45.

6. A Hair Sample

Just $45 could get you a small envelope with a clipping of Walker’s darling brown locks. What will you do with these delightful follicles, newly plucked from the scalp of our governor? Will you put them in a locket? Will you glue them to your own head? Will you use them to season a soup? It’s up to you.