Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Craps on campus: Fortified feculence in Red Gym’s scatological stronghold

The Herald’s guide to the best (and worst) spots to poop on campus

Consider the pillow fort.

No aspect of adolescence compared to the feeling of security and comfort achieved within a pillow fort. Barricaded with cushions and insulated from the outside world, it was a plushy sanctuary for rest and relaxation.

Now imagine you can shit in it.


Such is the emotional atmosphere within the third floor bathroom of the Red Gym, a wonderful hybrid of bodily release and physical security.

The facility sits within the southwestern tower of the building, but you wouldn’t know it once inside. The thick, century-old brick walls and sturdy timber beams running along the ceiling bring a tangible sense of fortification to the room, which was entirely unnecessary yet oddly welcome. It felt relaxing and secure, like being piled with heavy blankets on a cold winter’s night.

Craps on campus: Memorial Union’s two-ply paradise

The bathroom’s physical isolation factors into this smug sense of entrenchment. It’s removed from any main thoroughfares, tucked into the corner of the Red Gym’s low-traffic third floor. It’s even got a custom sign, and one can’t help but feel as though they’ve entered a snug little clubhouse purpose-built for pooping.

Aaron Hathaway/The Badger Herald

Within this bowel-centric bastion, the handicap-accessible stall offers a wonderful excretory experience. To the left of the toilet is a spacious ledge perfect for holding a backpack, cell phone or other accoutrements. Additionally, the toilet seat is sturdy and abnormally wide, providing ample support for the weary traveler’s ass.

Craps on campus: Vile voidings in Vilas

Secure and comforting though it is, the bathroom has its faults. The toilets flush with concerning vigor, to the degree that a number of droplets leap out of the basin as most washes down the pipes. This requires some caution when disposing of your waste. Additionally, it appears the bathroom doesn’t receive regular custodial visits due to its remote location, as suggested by both soap dispensers being completely empty.

Overall, the third floor facilities located within the Armory provide the most secure dump to date. If you’re willing to run the risk of going soapless post-poop, you’ll feel more fortified in your excretory expeditions than ever before.

Aaron Hathaway/The Badger Herald


Temperature: Neutral

Noise: Silent except for whirring ventilator, buzzing light

Traffic: Near zero

Lighting: Bright, not overwhelming

Stalls: One standard, one handicap

Toilet paper: Two rolls of one ply

Sinks: Two manual faucets

Dryers: Dyson AirBlade

Cell service: Two bars, medium wifi strength

Automatic flush: No

Graffiti: Not in this stronghold

Overall: 3.8

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