Last week Russell Wilson was announced as University of Wisconsin’s spring commencement speaker.
Many people were excited, and I don’t blame them. One of the NFL’s best players and a former Wisconsin quarterback is going to return to Camp Randall to give a speech in front of thousands of graduating seniors (most seniors were still in high school when Wilson played for UW).
[UPDATED]: Russell Wilson announced as spring 2016 commencement speaker
But here’s the thing: there’s not much to be excited about (unless Ciara makes a cameo). In theory having a current NFL player speak at graduation is cool. Wilson seems to be a very kind human being. He is a tremendous talent on the football field and more than likely an equally tremendous public speaker, but he’s also a pretty boring personality.
Wilson has never spoken in a public setting without sounding scripted and cliché, and I don’t expect this speech to be anything different.
If you’re especially disappointed that he’ll be speaking, wear Gucci flipflops. Here’s what you can expect out of the Seahawks quarterback’s speech:
Wilson will feel “blessed”
Wilson doesn’t seem to have caught onto the sarcastic tone when members of our generation say we feel “blessed.” Because, as seen time and time again, Wilson legitimately feels #blessed.
Game day! #ProBowl2016
Thankful for another opportunity to play the game I love! #Blessed
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) January 31, 2016
Wilson will be #blessed to be giving the speech, #blessed to be back at Camp Randall, #blessed to have had breakfast that morning, #blessed to have a smoking hot girlfriend and somehow remain abstinent and #blessed to just be alive.
Wilson will have a total of zero stories to tell of his time at UW
While Wilson is statistically the most talented quarterback to ever put on a Wisconsin uniform, he barely went here.
Wilson was a graduate transfer student, or as former head basketball coach Bo Ryan would say, a “rent-a-player.” Wilson spent his entire college career at North Carolina State, and when he graduated, he still had one year of eligibility remaining. He transferred to Wisconsin just to play football — so he won’t have many experiences to share as a student.
Wilson will quote the Bible
This is a definite. If you don’t believe me, check out Wilson’s Twitter feed on a daily basis.
#BVD Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26 NIV— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) February 3, 2016
#BVD “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.”
Psalm 136:1 NIV— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) January 31, 2016
#BVD “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.”
Romans 12:9 NIV— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) January 30, 2016
#BVY “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
Romans 12:10 NIV— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) January 28, 2016
This goes on forever, by the way.
Wilson will also use Bing
I know what you’re thinking. No one uses Bing. Heck, I just Googled Bing to get to Bing.
But after we found out Wilson googled “how to describe a beautiful woman” to find the right words to describe his girlfriend Ciara in an Instagram, Wilson admitted to the world that he does in fact use Bing.
Hahaha actually I prefer @Bing to describe my love… #StillCantFindEnoughWords
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) January 28, 2016
That’s a good save, Wilson. We now, however, know your secret.
This should be good.
