In the noble journalistic pursuit of the perfect toilet, one mustn’t leave a stone unturned — not even within Vilas Hall, the very heart of University of Wisconsin journalism.

It was with this determination in mind that I patrolled the passages of Vilas’ second floor, eager to publish a hot, steaming edition of The Poo York Times. 

Unfortunately, what I found was far from front-page news. Compact, dull and wholly unremarkable, Vilas’ facility was approximately as exciting as the Mormon hip-hop scene.

Craps on campus: Poo with a view on 18th floor of Van Hise

The restroom has approximately 40 square feet of floor space and a color palette consisting almost exclusively of gray and off-white, offering little else worth mentioning. A skilled lawyer could perhaps make a far-fetched case for the restroom having a tasteful, minimalist design aesthetic, but to the defecating layman it holds little of interest.

Tucked into a corner, seemingly as an afterthought, is the bathroom’s single, cramped bathroom stall. If most restrooms are wheelchair accessible, the sadist who designed this tiny cubicle must have harbored an active disdain for the handicapped. The space of this bathroom stall would be considered inadequate by the humanitarian standards of a 17th century debtor’s prison.

Craps on campus: Futuristic flushes in Education Building

The small plate covering the stall door’s locking mechanism has taken a leave of absence, leaving a quaint peephole between the stall and the outside world. This could be useful if you are a spy monitoring whoever is washing their hands, or if your friend is feeding you Twizzlers through the hole as a fun mid-poo treat. Otherwise, this small window is unnerving and makes the user feel vulnerable.

In a word, Vilas’ second floor toilet is underwhelming. Its placement seems completely arbitrary within the larger context of the floor plan. It’s a pain to find, and the experience itself is a poor reward for the search.

 Specifics 

Temperature: Slightly chilled

Noise: Faint industrial hum

Traffic: Minimal

Lighting: Sterile, uncomfortably bright

Stalls: Only one, which was evidently underfed in its youth

Toilet paper: One-ply, with a charming floral pattern

Sinks: Two manual faucets

Dryers: One functional blow dryer

Cell phone service: Two bars, no wifi

Toilet automatic flush: No

Graffiti: No

Overall: 2.75/5

Have a place for us to poop? Email [email protected].