So it seems as if there’s some disagreement over my basketball-rap picks yesterday.
To all those who burned me in effigy for comparing Soulja Boy to J.J. Redick or just filled out an application to Kaplan University Online under my name and cell phone number, I get the point.
You know, the images of violence broadcast around the world over this simple piece of art really got to me. My editors didn’t want to incite another round of protests, and begged me not to run this piece today. But I must do what I know is right. I stand by my scientific, double-blind, university-tested, eHarmony personality-matching-robot-verified hip-hop and basketball equivalency equations.
After all, to truly understand hip-hop, you’ve got to know basketball. In honor of that time-proven principle, the following is part 2 of what is* a 100 percent guaranteed accurate study*.
Shaquille O’Neal ? P. Diddy
How many nicknames do these guys have between them?
Shaq, Shaq Diesel, Shaq Daddy, The Big Fella, The Big Aristotle, to name a few. And we all know about the Puff Daddy-Puffy-Diddy debacle. Plus, both receive constant praise even when things go bad, then leave the scene. P. Diddy has formed at least 40 shitty bands and disappears when inevitable failure sets in. Likewise Penny Hardaway, Kobe Bryant and Dwayne Wade haven’t won a championship without Shaq. Don’t think about that last sentence too much.
Dennis Rodman ? L.L. Cool J
Who else spent the ?90s asking, “Jesus Christ, will this guy keep his damn shirt on?”
Plus, L.L. probably wears a dress now and then.
Rick Fox ? Will Smith
Pretty boys with hot wives who were just barely any good. Their bland, slow and repetitive styles of play weren’t fit for the 21st century. At least Will still has his movie career, but his new albums blend mid-1980s lyricism and post-apocalyptic elevator music.
Charles Barkley ? Big Punisher
This one’s obvious. NutriSystem would have prolonged both of their careers, right, NFL legend Dan Marino?
Fat Joe ? Antoine Walker
Yeah, he’s good. But I can’t think he would look so winded during performances without the Caliendo/Madden gut (God, that impression’s getting old).
Wilt Chamberlain ? Notorious B.I.G.
Did anyone dominate an era more convincingly than these two? Wilt scored 100 points in a game, and the NBA even changed the rules in a desperate attempt to level the playing field. B.I.G. was a lyrical sultan whose rhymes and diction are still present in a majority of modern rappers. He changed the rules himself.
Michael Jordan ? Tupac
The greatest all-around performers ever in their respective fields. Tupac could instantly boost the quality of any beat with his driving prose, and Jordan instantly improved any team with what scientists might call his aura. Plus, Jordan retired momentarily, only to return as the best player alive and Tupac died momentarily before his leftover recordings crowned him the greatest rapper ever.
Scottie Pippen ? Snoop Dogg
First off, they look pretty similar. No? OK, as the ultimate support man for the Tupac-led West Coast ascendance ? then for Dr. Dre and Eminem ? Snoop always seems to be on the winning team. Each spent his twilight years making the best of uncomfortable homes and faded away respectably. These days, Scotty Pippen is a TV analyst and Snoop is a TV father.
Dwight Howard ? Lupe Fiasco
Not the most publicized or marketable superstars with their talent, but true basketball loyalists love Dwight Howard, and hip-hop loyalists love Lupe. Fiasco may not have muscles for his muscles? muscles, but it?s attitude that makes these two true beasts.
Jason Terry ? Lil’ Jon
Yeah, okay, it?s really good stuff. But it all sounds the same.
Yao Ming ? Mike Jones
He gets a ton of attention from a far-away place that I don’t really understand. The language barrier is too overwhelming.
Tim Hardaway ? Jedi Mind Tricks
Solid performers who haven’t won anything. We all know about Tim Hardaway’s “hate” for gay people, and who haven’t Jedi Mind Tricks offended besides non-Saudi anti-American Muslims?
1990s Indiana Pacers ? Jurassic 5 (Reggie Miller ? Chali2na)
Why don’t more people like these guys?
San Antonio Spurs ? A Tribe Called Quest (Tim Duncan ? Q-tip)
Ditto. Respect isn’t as good as buying the album.
Boston Celtics (current) ? Wu Tang Clan
Boston Celtics (1960s) ? Wu Tang Clan
Bill Russell and Ghostface seem like they would play frolf on weekends.
Dwayne Wade ? Lil’ Wayne
Scary that, after this long, we still don’t know how good these guys can be.
Of course, the list is endless. Plus, no conclusive match exists for LeBron James. But here are the rest of the matches calculated and confirmed beyond a margin of error**
*It depends on what your definition of “is” is.
** Includes unrelated margins of error noted at some point throughout the course of modern world history.
Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in hip-hop/basketball comparative studies. He would like to remind Kaplan University Online, once again, that he is not interested in registering for the next semester. Special thanks to Uko Etim for his technical considerations.
