It's that time of the year again — time for the LAH Mailbag! Every day, we get hundreds of letters, proposals and gifts from our legions of adoring fans. If the editors at The Badger Herald gave us the room to address each and every one, we would. However, reality dictates that we can only address four at this time. So, in the tradition of Charles Parsons and his affinity for the females on "Deep Space 9," let's get it on!

Yo LAH Haters,

Yo, I was watching Dr. Phil this weekend and they was talkin' about two sistas and shit who couldn't get along then they cut to commercial. Wellz I went to the refrigerator and got me some Twix, chicken and Totino's Pizza Rolls and when I got back they had this commercial on TV for Boudreaux's Butt Paste. It's supposed to ease some shit on a baby's ass after he go toilet. Got me thinking and I remembered Chance Boudreaux was the star of Hard Target. Is there any connection between this ass cream and Van Damme? If y'all think I'm lying about this, go to http://www.buttpaste.com and check it yourself. Fo real.

[Derek Head]

Dear BPB,

I checked out that website you recommended and damn, it does share the same name as one of the legendary Van Damme characters. Let's get one thing clear here, JCVD is not behind this product nor is he a user. Now with that out of the way, Boudreaux's Butt Paste and Chance Boudreaux of "Hard Target" fame do share some things in common.

The Makers of Boudreaux's Butt Paste swear the cream "goes on and cleans off easily," "treats and protects" and has a "pleasant scent." Reading through the customer testimonials, this seems to be the case. Now, let's back up for a second and look at the situation like this: JCVD is the butt paste, and the villains are whatever nasty diaper rash shows up on a baby's bottom.

In "Hard Target," JCVD mows down villains like there's no tomorrow. It appears that Boudreaux's Butt Paste mows down severe diaper rash, yeast infections and situations where babies have "a really sore butt especially on the sides of [their] butt crack …" All of these situations were remedied with application of the butt paste. Just as all of the obstacles in between Chance Boudreaux and his final goal of obtaining a boat ticket were eliminated. In both cases, the respective Boudreauxs didn't do the job alone. For the butt paste, someone has to apply the ass cream — thanks, Mom! In the case of Chance Boudreaux and "Hard Target," the successful conclusion of the movie was not possible without the ferocious Wilford Brimley on horseback.

So while the two are definitely not related, and JCVD would never be found endorsing such a wretched product, the two both excel at kicking some serious ass, no pun intended.

[Ryan Head]

Dear GAEW,

You really do provide a solid argument for the rights of women everywhere to be considered action stars. In a film community almost completely dominated by bearded men and foreigners, female action heroes have a difficult time making names for themselves. The women you've named (all of whom I'd agree have attained a certain level of action legitimacy) are great examples for the rest of the industry, showing that even if you have long hair and breasts, you can still kick some ass — then again, Steven Seagal also hammers that one home.

Because you've really pointed out a weak point in our action-packed history, we've agreed to look into female action stars and dedicate at least one future column to it. So you've got that going for you. In the meantime, I would like to take a little time to examine some female action greats and shed some light on their contributions to the action realm. You mentioned Sigourney Weaver, who I would definitely agree is an action heroine in her own right. She follows all of the tried and true steps to becoming an action hero: She is incredibly rugged and unattractive (think Seagal), she fights alien invaders with cunning combat (a la Norris) and she's fluent in both French and German (like JCVD). For anyone who has seen any of the "Alien" films, she also manages to wipe the floor with creatures that not only kill numerous co-stars but also bleed acid. When is the last time Sylvester Stallone took on an acid-bleeder? How about never.

Moving on, you also pointed toward Lucy Lawless as an action heroine. I'm inclined to agree with you, but not quite as enthusiastically as with Weaver. Yeah, "Xena" was a pretty kick-ass show … but I never thought she was in the same league as television superstar Kevin Sorbo. "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" is to "Xena: Warrior Princess" what "Under Siege" is to "Under Siege 2" — more original and definitely of superior quality. I can't take too much away from Lawless, as she was pretty awesome in "Eurotrip" … but that's a topic for another time.

And finally, you've got Uma. Sure, "Kill Bill" was pretty awesome and Uma was pretty bad ass in her yellow tracksuit. But the only other real action role she has ever truly taken on was that of Poison Ivy in "Batman & Robin." When someone's action résumé includes a feature role in perhaps the worst action-related film ever created, it's more than enough to shun her from action status for life. Uma can go back to making more shitty romantic comedies — leave the action to the real femme fatales.

Dear Derek and Ryan,

[Ryan head]

Dear ACRF,

I share your pain … trust me. When The Rock first started out in film, he had a bit role in "The Mummy 2." It was certainly passable but nothing spectacular. But when someone had the phenomenal idea to let Rocky take the reigns of the film with "The Scorpion King," the guy looked pretty legit. I mean, he pulled an arrow out of himself and hurled it into a guy — who does that? He continued down the action path with "The Rundown" and "Walking Tall," both tremendous films in their own rights.

That's why it came as a bit of a shock when he threw all of that away and decided it would be a good idea to take lackluster roles in "Be Cool" and "Gridiron Gang." His only real attempt at an action film in the past couple of years is "Doom," one of the most terrible action journeys to be found anywhere. And that includes all of Seagal's straight-to-DVD films. He has the lead role in "Spy Hunter," coming out in 2007, but that's not enough to ensure his return to his action-packed roots. Why? Well, following "Spy Hunter," he'll appear in a Disney film about a football player trying to raise his daughter and will star in "Johnny Bravo."

So is The Rock's action career basically finished? Is a string of terrible films that couldn't be farther from action a sign that he has forgotten what made him so great in the first place and will continue making said terrible films? You tell me. All I know is, I won't be holding my breath for a "Scorpion King 2," as awesome as that would be.

I was wondering if anyone could give us an update as to the status of one of the original fathers of action criticism, Mr. Joe Ziemer. I miss his witty antics on the page and his domination and relegation of Derek to the discount bin of action critics. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Ciao!

[Derek Head]

Dear AZZ,

Thanks for your comments on my action know-how. I appreciate them a lot. Joe has graduated from the University of Wisconsin and has moved on to bigger and better things. He spent a year as the tour manager for Ja Rule before leaving the position to spearhead the Ja Rule Tribute Band. The resulting CD was so bad and resulted in so much bad press for Ja that a restraining order was issued, forcing Mr. Ziemer to keep at least 1000 yards from any event that Ja Rule may be attending.

After a stint in hip-hop, Mr. Ziemer returned to Madison in December 2005 to help facilitate his replacement to the level of an acceptable LAH legend. After much work, the job was completed in just a couple of weeks. Mr. Ziemer single-handedly exercised the demons from Mr. Gauthier's head. One of the most trying incidents during the whole ordeal was convincing Ryan that the snowplow man was not out to get him, that he (Ryan) did not actually possess a blade and that the Lake Street parking lot is not his home nor will walking around in it for 45 minutes get him to his home.

Once this work was complete, Joe was arrested in May 2006 for the systematic execution and genocide of nearly 2,000 Lego men, women and children at Lego Land at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn. After substantial mental treatment and evaluation, he was released two months ago under a work-release program and currently resides in Altoona, working as a sports writer at the Eau Claire Leader Telegram. Joe requests that his fans please do not try to contact him for fear of what he might do, but thanks them for their comments, feedback and appreciation for his contribution to the action genre.

Great question, AZZ!

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