And the winner is . . . “My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” Don’t blame anybody but yourselves. Okay, you can blame old people. Or should the Greek population be held responsible? Regardless, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” is currently second at the U.S. box office. Did you see it this weekend? You were probably too busy . . . gettin’ busy.
Where is that “Gladiator?” How about those “Men in Black?” And aren’t James and the Lord supposed to be here soon? Who wants something different? Sorry, but that’s all moviegoers are receiving these days.
Even if you’re not Greek, you may want to check out ” . . . Wedding.” It’s actually a decent film. In fact, America’s theaters are full of unique little films . . . for once.
Too bad it doesn’t really matter. “Must-See TV” is just around the corner.
Wisconsin has never had a tornado in the month of February. An Oscar push in September would be just as rare. Why is this so? September’s a good month. In fact, statistics say that September is the second-best month. Don’t even try to argue this point. What in the dickens is Hollywood thinking? Wedding shmedding, we want the next Russell Crowe flick, and we want it now!
Unless you have melanoma, a dark movie theater is probably the last place you want to be this time of the year. Hollywood knows this, so sorry to all the film nerds, but you’re getting what grandma and grandpa will pay seven dollars to see. There’s actually a lot more out there, but searching out non-advertised movies would require effort, and who needs that?
So, if a film opens without a marketing push, does a film ever really open? This may take some effort. Why doesn’t Hollywood push films in the fall? Put down your beer bongs. We’re going back to school.
Pick those beer bongs back up. That’s the reason. Well, it’s part of the reason. Autumn is a busy time in cities like Madison. Summer is almost over. Soon, girls will no longer be able to go for a jog on the Lakeshore path. Guy joggers, this means that you will no longer be able check out the girls who jog on the Lakeshore path. But you’re already far too aware of this tragedy.
Sure, there are older men and women, but they don’t fuel pop culture. This means that they don’t exist . . . well, they exist, but it takes five older people to equal one youngin’. That’s also a fact–big studios hate old people. They hate anybody who doesn’t buy into the whole sex and violence scene. They love college folk.
Besides watching girls jog, two powers strap the hands of studio marketing execs in September and October–television and football. Everyone has his or her favorite TV show, but reruns have been on all summer. That’s why the popular high school clique went to see “Austin Powers” instead of staying home to watch “Dawson’s Creek.”
But soon Dawson will be paddling his boat again, and who wants to miss that? Word has it that Martin Sheen really is our president. He’s the smarter of the two possibilities, but could this really be the case? And what about Ross and Rachel? Will Joey step aside? Oh my god, that brings us back to the “Creek.” Did the other Joey go to Paris? With all these questions, who has time to see a movie during the week?
Weekends are covered as well. Football Friday. Football Saturday. Football Sunday. Yikes! That was big, bad Hollywood responding. They were thinking about that local high school team that hasn’t won a game in three years but still strips local theaters of any would-be teenage hooligans. Wait, don’t movies generally open on Friday nights? This may be a problem.
September Saturdays would be a good day to catch a film in Madison, if the sun rose in the west. Go Badgers! And that means beer in the morning, beer in the afternoon, beer at night. Free movie tickets aren’t included with student vouchers last time anybody checked.
On Sunday, God created the NFL. Any real man would never go to a Sunday matinee with his family. The second game of Fox’s doubleheader is just kicking off. And mom isn’t going to take the kids all by herself. She’s actually sane. Plus, “Alias” is on, and Jennifer Garner hasn’t kicked ass all summer. Mom’s about ready to watch a bunch of guys get beat down by a chick.
Hollywood doesn’t sleep forever. Come Halloween, you’ll be able to recite your favorite “Lord of The Rings” television spot. If enough snow flies, you and your buddies may even check out the new “Harry Potter” . . . drunk, of course, because it’s better that way.
This writer never sleeps, so here’s a spot for two little films that may catch your fancy: “One Hour Photo” and “The Rules of Attraction.” These aren’t grandma or grandpa’s movies. They may even be worth selling your voucher, but Hollywood won’t risk any dough on that assumption. They’re saving up for Oscar season, when you’re sick of football and Dawson. Simple as that.
But this writer is still bothered by one question: Where’s the Motts?
