As most of you realize by now, Caley Meals is no longer writing “Between the Sheets,” which came as pretty upsetting news to me, as it was my favorite section of The Badger Herald, right up there with the crossword. For first-time Herald readers, “Between the Sheets” was last year’s sex column. So I’m giving it the old college try and attempting to entertain, educate, and enlighten this University of Wisconsin campus by offering my opinions about sex, love, and rock’n’roll.
OK, so what I really want to talk about is sex. But if it involves love, rock’n’roll, or anything else (kinky or not), so be it. Hey, I’m a guy, what do you expect? It’s a new semester, a new column, and a new idea — a male-written sex column at UW. Since the title of my column is “Morning Wood,” I thought that might be a great starter topic.
Morning is a time to get a fresh start on a new day. The rested male wakes up to the sound of birds, the smell of coffee, the glow of the sun through the blinds, possibly his loved one next to him, and an intense desire to pee. Unfortunately, this last desire is often paired with Master Sgt. Stiffy standing at full attention. Is it time to get head, or go to the head?
In my past experiences, the yearning to relieve the previous night’s liquid consumption outranks the desire to put the master sergeant at ease for fear of releasing the wrong bodily fluid onto my sheets. Oh yes, ladies — despite popular belief, “morning wood” (as it is commonly referred to) is not necessarily a good thing. Of course, I don’t have to tell most of you gentlemen out there because you all know what I’m talking about, so I’ll break it down for the fairer sex.
Sometimes morning wood is not accompanied by the need to put out the toilet fire, in which case the erection can be considered a freebie and taken care of immediately, either with a partner or without. However, more than likely, eight hours of sleep is usually enough to make one’s bladder swell beyond the point of comfort.
Since most erections stand at attention, ready to open fire on the roof rather than conveniently pointing downward at the perfect angle to hit the middle of the toilet, the act of relieving oneself presents itself as a challenge. Through years of hitting walls, the toilet seat, between the toilet seat and the bowl, and the ceiling (once), I have devised a method that works for me.
In the morning, I have neither the energy nor the acrobatic talent to stand on my hands with my feet on the wall to aim the unbendable morning wood toward the toilet. Instead, I brace my hands on the ivory tank, put my left foot as high up in the air as possible (all the while trying to balance on my right foot) in order to achieve the correct alignment of stream to toilet.
Come on, guys … you know exactly what I’m talking about. For you ladies out there asking, “Why don’t you just sit down?” — just ask anyone with a penis how difficult and painful it is to bend Sgt. Stiffy when he is at full salute. Ladies, this is one of two situations where taking a whiz is easier for y’all of the fairer sex.
The other is — you may have guessed it — the after-ejaculation piss. For anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, this is also known as the “split pee” or “misfiring.” Let me explain. Sometimes that thick white gunk doesn’t completely leave the urethra, and because urine and semen both come (no pun intended) from the same tube, any blockage can cause an effect similar to when you bend a hose, producing a stronger stream (or streams) of water that doesn’t always exit the hose in a straight, predictable line. However, unlike the morning-wood dilemma, this problem is easier to solve by simply sitting down on the toilet like your mother or girlfriend told you to do.
Though these are the two most difficult times for a sober man to drain his snake, a third issue is posed after the liberal consumption of alcohol. The drunken piss is native to such places as bar toilets, the men’s restroom at the Memorial Union, and the typical bathroom at house parties. Evidence such as forgetting to put up the toilet seat, yellow drops everywhere around the bowl except in the water, and the guy passed out next to the toilet all point to this phenomenon.
Ladies, most of you might think that men have it easy when it comes to going No. 1, right? Believe it or not, this is not always the case. Morning wood is one of these exceptions, and in fact proves some theories that the penis has a mind of its own — it’s there when you wake up (whether or not you want it to be), and it is there to stay. At least, until it has been relieved of its urges. Morning wood may also offer an explanation as to why men think about sex all day long — because morning wood is a natural daily reminder that we have penises.
So cheers to new beginnings, and take it from trees with bark: Wear a condom.