We all know that meaningful sporting events are pitifully absent throughout the summer months. Basketball is over. Football doesn’t start until September. There’s baseball, of course, but only the dreadfully long regular season. Luckily, this summer promises to bring a slew of movies fraught with big-league stars to feed the ravenous appetites of America’s sports-craving masses. Here’s a preview of the most promising summertime flicks.
“Deuces Wild” May 3 — (Deuce McAllister, Ricky Williams, Jim Haslett) Documentary. Cameras follow Saints’ tailback McAllister, who has been sporting a perma-grin since the departure of the unnecessarily helmeted and overly brittle Williams. Haslett stars as the wide-eyed drill-sergeant coach trying to ruin Deuce’s happiness with wind sprints and weight-loss programs.
“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” May 16 — (Jay-Z, Bonzi Wells, Steve Logan, DMX, Sam Cassell) Sci-Fi. Look-alike rap stars and ballers battle it out in deep space. Once fused together, Wells and his HOVness are the only ones who can stop the terrifying Long Range Bomber with the bad ass, ultra-rapsy voice. Cassell stars as an unclonable but aging alien tyrant trying to duplicate himself to extend his career.
“Thirteen Conversations About One Thing” May 16 — (George Steinbrenner, Don Zimmer, Derek Jeter) Drama. Jeter and Zim are on the edge of their seats for a week and a half as The Boss recounts his tales of Billy Martin firings.
“Insomnia” May 24 — (Jon Gruden, Brad Johnson) Thriller. Once Johnson finally settles down after some rough years in Tampa, he starts to receive eerie phone calls about play fakes and bubble screens at 4:00 a.m. When the calls are traced to the Bucs training facility, the only thing found is a Chucky doll sporting a sadistic grin, holding a phone, a whistle and a bloodstained clipboard.
“Undercover Brother” May 31 — (Jason Sehorn, Angie Harmon) Drama/Romance. Sehorn plays himself in the tale of a white corner in the NFL and the long-sleeve shirts he wears to avoid detection. Harmon co-stars as the woman who figures him out and is torn between exposing him and using his celebrity to further her acting career.
“Bad Company” June 7 — (Jayson Williams, Jason Williams, Jason Williams, David Stern) Action. It’s nothing but trouble when a crazed, homicidal ogre (the former Net), who lost both his TV contract and clean police record, recruits a rail-thin, me-first gangbanger (the white one) to help him destroy the evil Sternminator. Things get hairy when the group’s fate rests on free throws from an overrated superstar (the former Dukie).
“Gangster No. 1” June 14 — (Ray Lewis, Shawn Kemp) Action. Lewis stars as a small-time con man who works his way to the top of the Miami crime scene with only the help of a very large knife, his 36-inch biceps and a damn good lawyer. Kemp plays the aging, drugged-out crime lord that Lewis is forced to knock off on his path to greatness.
“Love and a Bullet” June 14 — (OJ Simpson, Kato Kaelin) Drama. Not-so-accurate retelling of the OJ saga. Not exactly timely, but still a great story. Even though he didn’t do it. Kaelin should get Oscar nods for his role as the career houseguest who witnessed a murder but forgot what happened because he was too stoned.
“The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” June 14 — (Shane Battier, Jason Williams, Mike Kryzewski, Dane Fife) Action/Drama. Coach K’s kids run afoul of the law in small-town Cameron, double-parking and drinking Shirley Temples. Fife plays the skinny, gun-slinging sheriff who will stop at nothing to end the terrible Blue Menace.
“My Wife is an Actress” July 12 — (Rick Fox, Vanessa Williams) Drama. Shut up, Rick. We Know.
“Never Again” July 12 — (David Wells, Bill Buckner, Nomar Garciaparra) Comedy. Chronicles the strange tale of the Boston Red Sox’ World Series ineptitude. Stars Wells as Babe Ruth, the guy who started it all, Buckner (himself) as the biggest goat in history, and Garciaparra as the slugger who’s always hurt when it counts.
“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” Aug 16 — (Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Shawn Bradley, Wang Zhi Zhi) Sci-Fi. Nash plays the titular character, a long-haired outer-space hippie battling seven-foot-plus giants for universal domination. Nash’s plans go awry when Nowitzki, Bradley and Zhi Zhi combine to form a 22-foot killer robot who refuses to play down low.
“Master of Disguise” Aug 16 — (Bobby Valentine) Drama. Valentine stars as a nomad trickster running from his checkered past. The Mets’ skipper displays his impressive range and versatility by playing four completely different characters using only the assistance of a pair of shades, a fake nose and a bad-looking phony mustache. It’s not long before the authorities catch on, prompting a clubhouse battle to the death at Shea.
“Possession” Aug 30 — (Nate Newton, Jerry Jones) Action. An oversized, overstocked drug dealer (Newton) is arrested after police find his trunk full of 18-inch hoagies loaded with roast beef and cocaine. The action picks up after Newton escapes from his cell by gnawing through the bars and flees on an undersized moped, prompting a cross-country chase by an emaciated football owner-turned-law dog (Jones).
