Dear Hump Day,
My GF and I are ready for the next level (past intense make-outs), but there’s some things I’m worried about. First, I’d like to know how far she has gone in the past, so I can gauge what she will be comfortable with and how slow I should go. But how should I ask her? Second, if she says that she is a virgin, how should I go about the ‘next level’? Slower? No change? Physically speaking, how do I ‘pop the cherry’ without hurting her?
Thanks,
Thinking of her, Joseph
Dear Joseph,
Take the intense make-out sessions as a clue to what comes next: It’s going to be hot! Body language can give you quite a bit of information regarding the comfort, interest and desires that your partner has. Note if her hands travel southward at any time, or if she starts raising your shirt over your head. Does she ever start fondling areas that she hasn’t touched before?
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Hesitation may speak of her inexperience, or her desire for you to take the lead. It could also mean that she wants to keep things at the same level. To be doubly sure, ask. Over lunch, seductively trace her hand as you tempt her with, ‘What do you think about taking it to the next level? I would love to kiss the rest of your body…’ I stress over lunch (or tea) because if she is inexperienced or unsure of how she feels, asking the question during a make-out session could be a bit pressuring. If she has never moved beyond the kissing level, you want to reassure her, as with any person, that while you desire to go further, you respect whatever her desires may be.
A note to all of you rolling your eyes. It’s completely fine to want a relationship with sex in it. It is your duty to make your desires known and to respect the desires of the other person. If those desires do not coincide with one another and you place a lot of importance on having sex, than find someone else who does the same.
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If your partner is a virgin – whether going further than kissing, or never having tried anal – the following always applies. Verbally tell your partner your desires. Gauge her reaction. If she says she is not interested and you are satisfied with your relationship as it is, reassure her of that. If she says that she is intrigued, ask her what her desires and feelings are regarding the first time. Does she want to do it in a particular place? A particular position? Remember her suggestions. If she has none, assure her that you will make her first time as amazing as all the romance novels describe. OK, maybe don’t go that far
… too many romance novels dabble with forced sex. Suggest a date and time when you both can slowly explore all the possibilities. Ideally you should have the entire day or night to yourselves.
The key to making a first time event successful is communication, patience and lots of lubrication. Because many people are nervous during their first time, natural fluids may be limited. Invest in some good lube. Better yet, go get some free lube from the Sex Out Loud office or UHS. I recommend Liquid Silk. It’s water based, so it feels very natural, stays around for quite some time and doesn’t leave any residue when it dries away.
If you are planning to have sex at night, I highly recommend having the lights on. This is the time where you both get to explore what turns you on in new and wonderful ways, as well as what doesn’t quite feel right. There is no way to fully know such things unless you are able to clearly see the reactions and undulations of your partner. If your partner is nervous having the lights on, assure her that nothing would turn you on more than seeing every inch of her body.
When starting the night, go slow. Slow and thorough. Start with what you both are comfortable with, intense kissing. Then, deliberately, one article at a time, remove the clothes. Start with a piece from her. As more skin is revealed, kiss every inch. Add some tongue. Ask her to take off your shirt. Sex, unless agreed on before hand, is a mutual dance. You will lead her for some of the activities, and she can take the lead in others. Once all the clothes are gone, move on to oral. Most women cannot orgasm from insertion alone. Involving the clitoris, whether orally or digitally (yes, I mean the fingers) is essential for her to feel the most amount of pleasure. Ask her to tell you what she likes, if you should go slower or harder.
To limit discomfort when having vaginal sex, finger her. Start with one finger that is well lubricated. You can slip it in as you tease her with your mouth. Spend at least 30 minutes simply focusing on her pleasure. No need for a watch. If you think you’ve spent enough time down there, spend more time. Everyone underestimates.
When she says she is ready to ‘pop her cherry,’ take a condom with lots of lubricant on it. Ribbed or studded condoms can also add to her pleasure. Lay on your back and let her ease onto you. She may still feel discomfort. If she feels any pain, stop and continue playing with her in other ways. Let her control the pace. Also try to mix up the activities. Let her off, and play in another way, then continue later on. This allows time for any last nervousness to fully abate.
An important note: first time sex is not pretty. In fact, all sex is typically not pretty. There will be sweat, new sounds that you never thought your body would emit, and different angles that don’t necessarily flatter your partner. That’s the beauty of sex. Despite the strange contortions, the friction, the messiness, it can be a fantastic experience. As she learns to explore you, and you her, be willing to laugh and communicate the whole way through. That’s what will make this next level mind blowing.
This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski. Nicolette is a trained sexual health educator and a graduate student in EPS. All questions are from real readers. Keep ’em coming! E-mail: [email protected].
