As the presidential race carries on into infinity, people
feel increasingly embarrassed about knowing little else about it besides the
nuances of Hillary’s high-fashion pantsuits. A number of friends have
approached me, asking which cable news channel is worth watching. At first, I
told them to read a newspaper. After all the laughter subsided, I spent a week
investigating every cable news channel at each timeslot to help determine what
you should be watching.
Some readers may recall the PEL (Peak Entertainment Level)
scale I used earlier this year to rate smash-hit FOX reality TV show
“Moment of Truth,” whose entertainment value is so theoretically
powerful that many viewers will never be truly entertained again. I can use a
similar scale for cable news — Peak Entertainment Ratings Value (PERV). A true
PERV measurement involves too much complicated, double-blind, weird science to
be measured at home. But thankfully, like elections have those 30-second ads to
set up a direct truth transfer with our brains, the PERV scale has been
simplified and condensed for everyone who wants to play at home.
?
Rate anchor hair from 1-10
Anchor hair isn’t just a sexy distraction. It beams power
directly from the “thinky vault” (a television journalist’s brain) to
the “talky chamber” (the grunts they emit that emulate real human
speech).
?
Rate graphics from 1-5
Have you ever seen FOX News’ Iraq war “shock and
awe” graphic? That’s what we in the biz call insta-classic. It rose from
beneath the ticker and launched into my heart with its sweet fighter jets and
way cool video game music.
?
Measure the shock value from 1-10
How pissed off did this story make you? How much fake
wincing and anguish did the anchor show before transitioning to the baby panda?
Outrage is huge for ratings, but if you go too far, the people you exploit
might kill themselves before you can interview them again — just ask Nancy
Grace or “Dateline.”
?
Measure the host “asshole quotient” from 1-10.
Bill O’Reilly is a huge dick. But he also gets the best
ratings in the business. Bigger jerks get bigger ratings, and according to
O’Reilly, shows with the biggest ratings are always the highest quality. I’ll
save the obligatory loofah joke for next week.
Some naysayers will claim that news shouldn’t be judged for
its ability to entertain us. But the way I figure it, if cable news is really
meant to provide valuable information and not act as a conduit for guilt-free
reality television, the impending collapse of humanity is a more pressing issue
than this column. With that said, I am proud to present The Urban
Correspondent’s Definitive Guide to Cable News.
?
Morning shows:
CNN: “American Morning”
You know that moment when you wake up, but you’re still
half-asleep? Remember your first-hour high school class when you dozed off
sitting straight up at your desk? Remember “The O.C.” after Season
One? Watch “American Morning” and experience all these fabulous
sensations for three whole hours!
MSNBC: “Morning Joe”
Filmed at a fancy desk in the middle of NBC’s Rockefeller
Plaza grain silo, Don Imus’ replacement keeps all the successful elements of
the old show (music and funny interviews), while cutting the unsavory elements
(Don Imus). Mika Brzezinski and former GOP congressman Joe Scarborough are the
parents bickering while you eat breakfast. Their reporter, Willie Geist, plays
the seventh-grade son who got a D in Life Sciences 1.
FOX News: “Fox and Friends”
Let’s ignore the fact that nobody named “Fox”
hosts this show. If you’ve ever woken up and wanted to hear a team of idiots
who overdosed on caffeine pills conduct interviews and play journalist with the
disposition of a 4-year-old playing house, this is your big chance. What they
lack in cognitive reasoning skills, they make up for in vomit-inducing
celebrity banter. If the ratings are any indication, most Americans who wake up
this early are throwing back a fair and balanced share of pep pills.
?
Daytime-wasters:
MSNBC: “MSNBC Live”
PERV scientists say they repeat stories on a four-minute
loop, so, if that’s exactly how much time you have, “MSNBC Live”
won’t be the most boring piece of televised crap you’ve ever wasted precious
moments of life on. Otherwise, unless there’s an awesome car chase or one of
those boring planes with a landing gear boringly stuck, look forward to interviews
with the same three people and a political quote taken out-of-context for good
measure.
CNN: “CNN Newsroom”
There’s a reason airport TVs are stuck on this channel. With
original reporting and anchors with enough shame to cringe at themselves for
being in such a stupid profession, CNN Newsroom has clearly cheated by spending
money. Their usual anchor is totally bald though, meaning Ted Turner has
developed new teleprompter-anchor interface technology.
FOX News: “America’s Newsroom”
If you say enough sentences and connect them with enough
punctuation and names of famous people, it’ll resemble news. Add a desk and a
backdrop, turn down the volume a bit, and yeah… ?that IS a lot like
news!
Come back next week for more of this insightful scientific
analysis, as we move on to primetime and night shows. Plus, PERV scores for
every cable news show.
?
Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a senior
majoring in political science and journalism. Now he’ll never get that job as
Chris Matthews’ mail retrieval specialist.
