After a long weekend of high-octane NBA All-Star Weekend programming, TV lovers are suffering from adrenaline withdrawal. I’m just looking forward to someday telling my children that I was there, glued to the television set. Who will ever forget Deron Williams of the Utah Jazz winning the skills competition (dog show) in record fashion? How about Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens slicing through a weak interior defense in the celebrity game (product placement exhibition)? And who hasn’t ordered a Fathead of Toronto Raptors sharpshooter Jason Kapono pumping his fist after clinching his second 3-point contest in a row (pony show)?
All the excitement from this All-Star Weekend got me thinking: Is there any sport more hip-hop than basketball? Sure, it?s a team game, but one great individual can carry you over the top. And legends aren’t just born through stats, but through style. All the while, it takes a truly great coach (producer), to take a team to the championship (BET award?).
The bottom line is that, to understand hip-hop, you’ve got to know basketball. In an effort to increase hip-hop knowledge worldwide, the Urban Correspondent is proud to present the authoritative list of rap and basketball equivalency. Using a complicated formula utilizing stylistic similarities, career success and eHarmony’s personality matching robot, I can present a list that is beyond arguing with and guaranteed* to be 100 percent accurate.
J.J. Redick ? Soulja Boy
Even in their respective primes, we all knew they wouldn’t last for long. Soulja Boy made a pop dance track, J.J. Redick made a ton of 3-pointers. It doesn’t mean they’re any good.
Kobe Bryant ? Jay-Z
Some may complain about a lack of substance, but they’re beyond talented. When Kobe touches the ball, he’s going to score. When Jay-Z puts out an album, he’s going platinum.
Kevin Garnett ? DMX
They look alike. They look pissed.
Detroit Pistons ? G-Unit (Chauncey Billups ? 50 Cent, Rasheed Wallace ? Lloyd Banks, Tayshaun Prince ? Young Buck, Rip Hamilton ? Tony Yayo)
Both achieved success through boring repetition, but they are pretty gangsta ? no one can question that. Just ignore the anguished cries as they fade into obscurity.
Tracy McGrady ? Akon
Consistent. Seriously, they always do the same thing. Akon’s songs all sound the same, and T-Mac has great regular seasons, but never gets past the first round of the playoffs. How much time are you gonna spend reminiscing about these two when you get old?
Gary Payton ? Canibus
They look like aliens from the same planet. Gary Payton was an all-time defensive player who signed terrible contracts most of his career and faded away late. Canibus has chosen even worse beats throughout his career, but he’s still probably the most talented lyricist ever. And for the love of God, don’t buy that terrible album he made with Phoenix Orion.
Steve Nash ? Common
Both unconventional stars who don’t fit in with the rest of the league (read: not as gangsta). Common dresses like a fly Bill Cosby and Steve Nash dresses like a tiny Canadian.
Still, you can’t argue with results ? both are future Hall-of-Famers (NAACP Image Award?)
Allen Iverson ? Eminem
Outstanding individual performers who never made anyone better, but then again, maybe D-12 and the Philadelphia 76ers were hopeless.
Sebastian Telfair ? Bow Wow
Both are young, talented, were on TV way before they were ready. Telfair has shown flashes of brilliance, while Bow Wow has been more like a flickering nightlight.
Darko Milicic ? Freeway
Way too easy: They were hyped excessively, and both really, really suck.**
76ers Julius Erving ? Bone Thugs N’ Harmony (Julius Erving ? Krazie Bone)
You ever catch those sweet replayed 76ers games from the 1970s? Dr. J’s famous fake behind-the-back pass is the equivalent of the foggy scenes in the “Crossroads” video.
Micheal Redd ? Blackalicious
Under the radar Olympians. Their game is too fundamentally sound to be put into commercials. Like Mike Redd, you just want Blackalicious on your team.
Manu Ginobili ? Jadakiss
Everyone seems to hate this guy, but damn it, he’s on TV again.
Jason Kidd ? Juvenile
Maybe I just don’t remember the ?90s well enough, but these two got old quick.
Isaiah Thomas and Joe Dumars ? Dead Prez
Popularly hated, but respected by the purists. Most common reaction from their former competitors: Man, those guys were assholes.
Magic Johnson ? Guru
Okay, so Gang Starr hasn’t gone anywhere, and as far as I know, didn’t catch AIDS from a backhoe full of whores. But look at their body of work in the late ?80s and early ?90s ? productive, but stylish.
Vince Carter ? Busta Rhymes
Defined by flashy antics, but solid all-around performers. Busta Rhymes found a better home with Flipmode than Vince Carter has at? wherever he plays now. Both fall just short of Hall-of-Fame status. (Source Award)
* Guarantee does not apply to the contiguous Unites States, Guam, Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands, places contaminated by trace amounts of Castro DNA, nation-states that provide fiscal support to David Hasselhoff, bodies surrounded by water on four sides, areas that used to be connected to Russia by land bridge, former member continents of Pangea.
** I mean, just awful. Really bad, but not the good kind of bad ? the kind that makes you sad for them. The kind where putting them on TV feels like exploitation. Ever hear of William Hung?
Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a senior majoring in hip-hop/basketball comparative studies. Part 2 of his advanced double-blind, university-related study will be published tomorrow. If you think the list is wrong, check the stats, because it?s not. Special thanks to Uko Etim for his technical considerations.
