Last week, influential leaders of the Christian right were presented with a perfect opportunity to prove they don't promote an agenda of intolerance aimed at dividing the American public and advancing a right-wing political philosophy. They failed.

Contrary to previous reports, the National Association of Evangelicals has decided not to take a stance on global warming, thus holding true to the ancient parable, "Love thy neighbor, especially thou who finances thy political agenda."

Last month dozens of Evangelical leaders signed a letter pressuring the NAE to lay off the Bush administration. The president asks God for advice every morning, so if he really cared I think it would have come up by now. Regardless, the NAE followed God's orders to take care of his planet by passing a strongly worded motion "recognizing the ongoing debate" about global warming.

Critics see this as further evidence that many Christian leaders have sacrificed their ideals to maintain a coalition with business interests. Thankfully, the letter's co-drafter, E. Calvin Beisner, faced down those critics with a proud declaration: if we can't prove it is a sin, how can there be a sin to be proven?

All sins may be equal in the eyes of God, but He never gave us a concrete ranking system for judging our own sins. Thankfully, our modern day prophet, er, political leaders, have come up with a principled set of values you can be proud to tell the Lord all about on the day of your judgment. See Table 1.1:

Sins warranting the eternal flames of hell:

– Abortion
– Being gay
– Weird monkey science
– Welfare
– Affirmative action

I'm sure He'll get back to us on these A.S.A.P.:

– Destroying the environment
– Executing the handicapped
– Developing 67,500 nuclear missiles capable of destroying the world hundreds of times over
– Refusing to ingest the divinely inspired Pat Robertson diet shake
– Better move that last one to the first column

So the Bible tells us to be responsible stewards for the earth? I say it's irresponsible to let so much beautiful oil sit underground among the dinosaur bones God planted to confuse the weak-minded. And all that oil would go to waste if we didn't burn it off into the atmosphere. So if you think about it, we're not destroying the earth at all; it's recycling. Take that, hippies. So while I drive around in my truck 6 feet above you ground-level peasants, think of me as having the moral high ground as well.

If you think the worldwide rebirth of hypocritical religious fanaticism is a phenomenon exclusive to the United States, you might want to find a new hiding place for your stash of Mohammed doodles. (You know what I'm talking about, from the sock drawer to between the mattresses.)

That's right, in a region where foreign aid workers get their heads lopped off on live TV, thousands of protesters have taken to the streets, infuriated by Cartoongate — a successful test of the west's advanced scandal-naming technology — in which Danish and Norwegian newspapers published cartoons including one depicting Mohammed wearing a turban shaped as a bomb with a burning fuse.

Middle Eastern leaders call the cartoons an affront to Islam and are demanding the nations hold the perpetrators responsible. Weeks after decreeing the Holocaust a myth, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad proved fully able to exploit the uproar, vowing to end economic relations with 12 nations whose press reprinted the drawings.

Meanwhile, protesters in Lebanon burned Danish flags bearing the image of a cross a day after rioters torched the Danish embassy in a failed attempt to uncover the cartoonists of mass dissemination (CMD).

If Cartoongate can teach us anything, it is not inherent incompatibility which drives conflict between western culture and the Muslim world. In this case it is the idealism of a free press evolving alongside democratic governments clashing with extremists exploiting resentment of the west for their own political gain.

If the National Association of Evangelicals can teach us anything, it is that the culture wars in this country may be a result of religious extremists exploiting resentment of liberal environmentalists for their own political gain.

Bassey Etim ([email protected]) is a junior majoring in political science and journalism.