A few years ago, I found myself in an interesting situation. I had met a woman that I was incredibly attracted to and the feeling was mutual. The problem was that she just would not go out with me. She wouldn’t give me her phone number, she wouldn’t say ‘yes’ to a date, and, since we always saw each other in public places, I could never get her to tell me why. Had this happened in Victorian England, I would have probably spent months writing letters, leaving my call card, and pining away in secrecy. Luckily, however, it was the 21st century and I had another card to play: Instant Messenger.
In the past few years, IM and e-mail have both become an increasingly important part of the dating ritual. Why shouldn’t it? Dating is a dance that revolves around information and insecurity, and IM and e-mail offers us a chance to deal with both.
When asking a friend of mine why she prefers IM to other forms of communication, she explained, “It just allows me to get to know them without any real fear of rejection or commitment. When you go out on a date, there is an unspoken responsibility to try to make it work. In IM, I can find out more about him before I decide to make that next step.” Another admitted, “I can talk more openly, more freely, without fear of rejection.”
In the early stages of attraction and dating, we look for a number of things, but all of them primarily focus around information. We want to know enough to decide if it’s worth pursuing; if the attraction is more than just physical; or if it is just physical. We want to know if we can pursue that too, without it becoming messy. The instantaneous exchange of information, while in the privacy of your own home, afforded by IM and e-mail fit that bill almost perfectly.
We also want to make sure that they won’t be scared away by our deep-seated insecurities. We all have something we feel uncomfortable admitting to others, and often IM allows us to broach the subject, tactfully, to test the waters. We tend to admit more over IM than in person, which, in turn, can deepen the level of respect and honesty in a blossoming relationship.
“But why not use the phone?” I can hear some of you saying. Writing allows us to think before we speak; to carefully consider our words; to craft and re-craft our sentences. It takes all that pressure of presence away from communication. How often have you tried to talk to someone you’re attracted to, only to find your mouth unable to form coherent sentences, or your voice to crack? Think of the time you first tried to say “I love you” to someone, only to hear “I want pancakes” come out of your mouth. IM and e-mail free you from these wonderfully amusing mistakes.
Of course, IM and e-mail suffer from the same downfalls. Neither are any good at conveying tone, and without the benefit of tone of voice and body language, things can be easily misunderstood. Both, being digital, are subject to frequent problems in delivery … problems that have led to many arguments and incredibly hurt feelings. They should never be used as a substitute for real conversation, especially once a relationship is well underway. The best communication is always face-to-face, but honestly IM and e-mail exchanges are often the next best thing.
Of course, the information afforded by IM and email can often be a bad thing. People can forward e-mails and can post IM conversations for others to read. When the relationship ends, reading old e-mails and obsessively checking IM away messages can often delay the grieving and healing process. Worst of all, forwarded e-mails or blog entries detailing the adventures of your now single ex-partner can be emotionally devastating.
But for all their downsides, IM and e-mail remain a remarkable way to get to know someone. And what of the woman I spoke of earlier? It took six weeks of IM conversations and e-mails, but she eventually agreed to go out with me. A year later, after a wonderful relationship that redefined what it meant to want pancakes, it was e-mail and IM that helped us work through the hurt feelings and salvage a wonderful friendship.
Charles Parsons ([email protected] or soundedfury on AIM) is a senior majoring in literature, and yes, ladies, he is single.
