Now that the Super Bowl is over, fans enter the annual sports lull that begins with the end of the NFL season and concludes with the opening tip-off of March Madness.
Aside from the rote coverage of the NBA regular season and the postseason outlook for the Badgers, few storylines in the world of sports are to be followed. This brief time-out lends itself to the emergence of some wackier topics that otherwise wouldn’t be voiced. Sometimes this means the national media creating stories out of nothing (inconsequential MLB offseason moves, NASCAR coverage, etc.), but every now and again we learn something about our professional athletes that ordinarily slips through the cracks of the 24-hour news cycle and the hiatus is often a reminder to us all not to take sports so seriously. The following is such a reminder.
Earlier this season, Lakers forward and American folk hero Ron Artest admitted to drinking alcohol (specifically, Hennessy) during halftime while he was playing for the Chicago Bulls. Some found these shenanigans to be a disgrace to the game and a gross lack of responsibility to his fans and teammates. Morons! Artest has been named to the NBA All-Defensive Team four times and was a member of the 2004 All-Star squad. He may very well help bring the Lakers another championship this year. And considering today’s rampant use of performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports, who’s to say that Artest hasn’t discovered that Hendog is a safe and effective alternative to anabolic steroids or HGH?
After all, Artest isn’t alone. In fact, there’s always been a place for booze in professional sports. Here are some of the more prolific figures who have spurned the traditional methods of steroids or corked bats in favor of liquid talent–and I’m not talking about Gatorade. But while we’re on the subject, remember those commercials where the athlete’s sweat would be the color of various Gatorade flavors? Well, this is sort of the same thing, except instead of being full of carbs and electrolytes, the sweat is probably somewhere around 40 proof.
Wade Boggs: Most people probably remember Wade Boggs for his .328 career batting average or his presence on the list of players with 3,000+ hits. Those who knew him well, though, re-member him for his sheer ability to pound (and I mean pound) Miller Lite. There are uncon-firmed rumors–which of course we’ll assume to be true–that over the course of a cross-country flight he would down between 60 and 70 Miller Lites. Yes, 60-70 Miller Lites. A sports blog has even been named in honor of this tremendous feat, and the original entry can be found here.
Bode Miller: It’s really unfortunate that Bode Miller only finds his way into the public consciousness every four years or so, because his exploits on the slopes are (in this writer’s opinion) certainly as newsworthy as his gold medal performances in alpine watering holes across the world. The winner of multiple world championships and the consummate rager, Miller once noted, “I came to the Olympics and I got to party and socialize at an Olympic level.” God Bless America. Bode gets a lot of crap for being a wasted talent (no pun intended), but as far as I’m concerned the man is representing America by living the dream. So for those of you still stumbling down the bunny slope, perhaps a couple Kahlua Hot Chocolates will get you on the black diamonds in no time.
Mickey Mantle: The New York Yankees have been described as, among less favorable epithets, the most professional team in all of sports. This may be true, as the Pinstripes have always been held to various clubhouse policies like being clean shaven (save ex-Yank Jason Giambi’s dirty ‘stache) and always having to answer to the Boss. Mickey Mantle, however, may be the exception to the rule. He was plagued by alcoholism, in large part due the fear that he would die early because both his grandfather and father had died young of Hodgkin’s disease. He embraced the New York nightlife and would often suit up hungover. This is the same man who hit 536 home runs in his career and had a home-to-first time of 3.1 seconds (as a point of comparison, Ichiro Suzuki’s time is 3.7). Now everybody has a reason to be a Yankees fan, as if the 27 rings weren’t enough.
John Daly: There really isn’t enough to be said about Long John Daly. The man is a legend. He’s one of the longest drivers on tour (when he’s actually on tour), and his game is complemented by miraculously soft hands. Though he has never gotten back to the glory of his victory in the 1995 British Open, Daly has found other ways to inspire awe in his dedicated fan base. He recorded a song titled “All My Exes Wear Rolexes” and has claimed that he once drank a fifth of Jack Daniels everyday for an entire year. As recently as 2008 he was found drunk outside a Winston-Salem Hooters restaurant. He may not have won Sportsman of the Year, but it’s a safe bet that he bagged customer of the month.
David Wells: David “Boomer” Wells is perhaps the most underrated pitcher of the past fifteen years. At the all-star break of the 1998 season, he had more wins than walks. Several months later, he became the 13th pitcher in the modern era to pitch a perfect game, and presumably the first to do so hungover (or, as is rumored, still half-drunk). Of the miracle season, Wells mused, “I drank beer and had a career year.” Those 1998 Yankees went on to defeat the Padres in the World Series, proving once and for all that booze is the true breakfast of champions.
Max McGee: It seems only fitting to round this list of professional party animals with Max McGee, a wide receiver for the team whose fans best embody the good life. A member of the Lombardi-era Packers, McGee spent the eve of the 1966 Super Bowl out on the town, as he did not expect to play. But McGee was subbed in on the second drive, after starting receiver Boyd Dowler was injured. McGee promptly spent the next couple hours hauling in seven receptions for 138 yards and two scores. As if we in Madison needed any reassurance, we can now be absolutely certain of the real America’s team.
Honorable Mentions: Arnold Palmer, Sebastian Janikowski, Vlade Divac (for cigarettes), Nick Swisher, John McEnroe, and Doc Ellis (pitched a no-no…on acid).
