If you’re like any good college student, you know that it’s always better to put things off for as long as you can until it becomes absolutely imperative for you to finish your work. Halloween costumes are no exception. Even considering those students who have spent the last week (or month) gathering the proper habiliments for Freakfest 2009 instead of studying for midterms, invariably a sizeable portion of the student population has yet to determine their costumes.
Let us recall, then, the time-honored–if tasteless and sad–reality of exploiting the death of Hollywood celebrities to garner cheap laughs from the debauched masses on State Street. Unfortunately the summer of 2009 saw the passing of an eerily high amount of stars, making this year’s Halloween festivities especially ripe for its already well-documented vulgarity.
Yet even bad taste requires thoughtful criticism, so here are a few suggestions for anybody still considering dressing up as a recently departed celebrity:
Michael Jackson: Easily the least creative pick for a Halloween costume this year despite the relentless media coverage of his death this June. His status as the international King of Pop, the (alleged) goings-on at the Neverland Ranch and the excuse to wear a single white glove make Michael Jackson a perennial favorite. Unless you can do the moonwalk sober, don’t even try.
Billy Mays: No infomerical pitchman in history even came close to the ubiquity of Mays–not even Vincent Offer, the ShamWow! guy who lost a fight with a female escort–which will unfortunately translate into swarms of garrulous, goateed salesmen on State Street come Saturday. A well made costume will include not only a handful of Mays’ products (Oxi-Clean, Ding King, Mighty Putty, etc.) but also a jet-black goatee. Dedication is an important costume criterium, and the money spent on the wonder products as well as the time taken to grow and groom the Mays beard will leave no doubts in that category.
Patrick Swayze: It’s a sad truth that Swayze represents the most dynamic choice for a Halloween costume this year, because his filmography allows for myriad exercises in the profane and shameless. Any philistine could easily throw a white bedsheet with two eye-holes over his drunken body and call himself Patrick Swayze, who of course starred in 1990’s “Ghost.” In the name of decency, please don’t be that guy. Creativity points will be awarded, however, to any student duo that goes as the Patrick Swayze/Chris Farley ChippenDales tandem from the unforgettable SNL skit.
The Taco Bell Dog: For those of you so uninformed, Gidget, the Taco Bell Dog most remembered for its accented proclamations of “Yo quiero Taco Bell!” passed on this summer. If anyone even attempts to incorporate the deceased chihuaha into his or her costume in any way this Saturday, Halloween in Madison will truly redefine all standards for rude and crass behavior.
Ted Kennedy: The high-brow’s choice for low-brow humor, the late senator from Massachusetts rounds out a list of tasteless costumes that ought to be avoided but surely will be seen at this year’s Freakfest. Only a suit and tie are technically required for the costume, and a couple drinks would probably induce a serviceable Boston accent. Any costume so lacking in originality and respect ought to make anybody–even staunch Republicans–cringe.
Dishonorable Mentions: Farrah Fawcett, Walter Cronkite, Steve McNair, Dom DeLuise, Ed McMahon.
