Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Men’s Basketball: Please, just let me talk myself into a Big Ten Tournament victory

As tip-off approaches rapidly, prepare yourself with this killer analysis
Emily Sachs

The last time the Badgers didn’t make the NCAA Tournament, Badger fans were able to spend March watching the last season of “Seinfeld.”

For you youngsters, that’s the show the “Bee Movie” guy did, which gave him the artistic license to pursue his dreams in insect cinema.

Anywho, the Badgers played their last regular season game against Michigan State this weekend.


Live look-in at MSU:

Despite their No. 2 ranking, it’s safe to say we didn’t have the worst season in the Big Ten.

Still, the Badgers’ record of 14-17 overall and 7-11 in the Big Ten is a major departure from years past, and most likely not good enough to warrant a bid to the NCAA Tournament (historically, one of the hardest frats to get a bid from).

Men’s Basketball: Despite Brad Davison 30-point outing, Badgers cannot hold on against No. 2 Michigan State

As a result, the Badgers have one option remaining: Win the Big Ten Tournament.

Here is my road map for why, and how, these Badgers can leave their setts (the underground burrow badgers live in, educate yourself please) and capture a Big Ten Tournament title, a bid to the NCAA Tournament and restore just a tad bit of meaning to all of our pathetic existences.

Ethan Happ

Despite the rough season and increased responsibility on the thinned-out team, Happ has quietly been having a great year. He has set a career high in minutes (30.8 per game), points (17.9 per game) and assists (3.8 per game).

Daniel Yun/The Badger Herald

Also, he is tall. 6-foot-10 to be exact. That’s like three and a half badgers!

Tall people have a long history of being excellent basketball players. The list of successful tall basketball players includes names such as: [Name every basketball player you can think of, subtract Isiah Thomas and Nate Robinson]. A distinguished list!

Men’s basketball: Badgers look to upset No. 2 Spartans on Senior Day

Brad “Steph Curry” Davison

Brad Davison is good at basketball. So good. But is he too good? An investigation:

After some digging, I’ve been able to conclude that the last name of Brad Davison, is Davison. While this is notable on its own, it gets even crazier. Davison sounds a lot like Davidson. In fact, only a single letter separates these two words: The letter “D. Davidson, coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally) is the name of Davidson College. This is the very same college where previously noted “good-at-basketball tall person” Stephen Curry chose to college.

“Good at basketball”… where have I head that before? Oh yeah, Brad Davison, University of Wisconsin guard.

Surely that is where the similarities end, yes?

Daniel Yun/The Badger Herald

Men’s Basketball: Badgers knock off No. 6 Purdue Boilermakers on Frank Kaminsky night


Okay, are the Narcs gone?

Stephen Curry (the good-at-basketball person previously mentioned twice now) plays with the #30 on his jersey. Davison on the other hand, displays a proud #34.

What accounts for the difference? Remember that letter? “D”? It separates Davison from Davi(d)son. Let’s see where that letter is in the alphabet…

(To the tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star) A, B, C D. The fourth letter of the alphabet.


Of course.

Curry plays for the Golden State Warriors. Brad Davison dislocated his shoulder and returned to the game on Sunday… because he is tough. Warriors are tough. Hmmm.

Men’s Basketball: Wisconsin prepares to take on Illinois in Big Ten matchup

Khalil Iverson

Doesn’t everyone love dunks? They’re great because they remind everyday-people of nothing, not a single thing, that we can do in our lives.

Daniel Yun/The Badger Herald

But Khalil Iverson on the other hand, that’s a man that can dunk a basketball. He does it all the time. Very entertaining.

Brevin Pritzel

Brevin Pritzel figured something out when he was a young man. As fun as dunks can be, three point shots are worth 150 percent more points. With that kind of mathematic expertise, Pritzel has employed a strategy that I like to call: “Shooting a ton of three-point shots at an efficient rate.”

Daniel Yun/The Badger Herald

This may come in handy in the tournament.

In conclusion, please contact your representatives, pray to your god, sell your bitcoin and, if it has been more than four hours, call your doctor. Anything you can do to help the Badgers win the Big Ten tournament is much appreciated.

There isn’t much time. Wisconsin faces off against the University of Maryland Thursday in the Big Apple in the first game of the tournament.

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