Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald


Gentle Clowns ready to make Dirty Birds weep

Drop your notepads, pens and recorders; close your Twitter feeds and shut off those laptops: it’s time for the dazzling and dapper men and women of the Badger Herald to dance with the wretched scalawags of the Daily Cardinal on the gridiron.

After experiencing three years of anguish on the football field, the Gentle Clowns made a breakthrough last year against their butt-ugly rival, burying the Dirty Birds in an 18-13 victory on the hallowed grounds of Vilas Park. With the foundation laid, the Herald hopes to usher in a new era – or perhaps an eon – of dominance Friday.


“I’m literally going to squat over those Dirty Birds on Friday and take a dump on their heads,” Publisher Peter Hoeschele said, who’s been eating Taco Bell all week. “That way the Daily Cardinal will become useful for someone for a change. It’s ok as toilet paper.”

Much like the speculation that surrounded the Wisconsin football team’s replacing JJ Watt, The Badger Herald has its own void to fill in time for Friday’s game. Former Design Director/linebacker Meagan Stilp was the favorite target of Dirty Bird quarterback Parker Gabriel a year ago, as he threw two critical interceptions her way.

Although Stilp will surely be missed, the Herald does have a stockpile of females whose stardom is ready to burst like supernovae.

Arts Editor Sarah Witman, Photo Editor Megan McCormick and Associate Sports Editor Kelly Erickson all spent the offseason in award-winning portrayals of piranhas in “Piranha 3D” and join the Gentle Clown defense this year.

“It’s like they say in the movie, ‘The first bite draws blood; the blood draws the pack,” McCormick said of the trio’s mentality. “If a Dirty Bird crosses paths with us, well, tough titties, dude.”

Surprisingly, Carolyn Briggs is also expected to start Friday. Briggs’ availability became clouded upon her arrest a week ago by Interpol authorities in Finland. Details are spotty due to an attempted cover-up by the organization, but the managing editor was apparently detained in suspicion of being responsible for several bodies that washed ashore in southern France back in July.

After her involvement could not be proved, authorities allowed her to return home Wednesday on the condition that she never reenter the confines of the European Union again.

Nevertheless, Briggs’ availability is reassuring for the Gentle Clowns, a team stricken by injuries and mishaps.

Alex Laedtke is questionable with a really full stomach, and Malory Goldin is doubtful with a case of scurvy she sustained after pirating off the eastern seaboard of Africa for several months. Copy Chief Zach Butzler, who could not recall the last 36 hours of a recent 48-hour bender, can’t locate his pants.

“If those refs don’t let me play without my pants, then I got no problem tearing those Dirty Birds a new asshole on the flip cup table,” Butzler said. “It’s one or the other; they can’t hide forever.”

Astonishingly, Multimedia Editor/running of our generation Ryan Rainey is expected to play Friday despite being struck by a semi on Wednesday.

When asked about the condition of his health, Rainey at first appeared taken aback.

“I mean, I’m totally fine,” Rainey said, clearly puzzled at why the question was asked. “When I got hit I was about to hit the pavement, so I planted my hand on the ground to stop myself. When I did that, I think I might have sprained my middle finger a little, but it’s no big deal. I’ll just use my other hand to flip off the Cardinal when I cross the goal line.”

Despite these misfortunes, the Gentle Clowns do sport a coaching staff and front office of football wunderkinds that should keep the squad prepared nonetheless.

General manager Jake Begun is a wizard of player development, with a long, hard staff of Beer 30 cans to prove it. Sports Editor/Head coach/Nobel laureate Mike Fiammetta, known for wearing a top hat, cane and monocle on the sidelines, is also flanked by two astute coordinators.

Associate Sports Editor Ian McCue – who’s illustrious playing career was cut short by a Jump Around-induced torn ACL – mans the offense while the swashbuckling and brass Katherine Krueger, deputy news editor, leads a defense trained to hate the fugly Dirty Bird uniforms like bulls despise red.

Design Director Eric “the Garage” Wiegmann, along with other Gentle Clowns, appear to have bought into Krueger’s unusual coaching techniques. Although he’s been socially distant all week, the upstart safety appears focused as fuck for Friday’s game.

When asked how his day was going, Wiegmann gave this peculiar response:

“Cat,” Wiegmann said, pointing to himself, before adding “Mouse” while gesturing to a nearby portrait of DC Sports Editor Matthew Kleist with crosshairs drawn across his face.

The legendary and former BH head coach Adam Holt – who is being portrayed by Brad Pitt in a 2013 movie – denied reports of acting as mentor to Editor-in-Chief Signe Brewster as she prepares for the traditional EIC chug off.

“All of those reports are false, actually,” Holt said. “Are you kidding me? I don’t need to train someone by the name of Brew-ster. She packs a mighty wallop in drinking fermented beverages. Maybe if Signe chugs Everclear mixed with gasoline and gun powder it’ll actually be fair.”

Brewster won’t be the only true force of nature wielded by the Herald. Arts Content Editor/wide receiver Lin Weeks – who is believed to be a direct descendent of Julius Caesar, Dolph Lundgren and a silverback gorilla – is expected to blow away the Dirty Bird secondary.

“After I have my way with those Dirty Birds, I imagine they’ll feel lonely, ineffectual and unnoticed,” Weeks said. “Just like those stacks of newspapers they put out five days a week.”

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