There are some games in which two bitter rivals battle for every point, trading the lead until one can will its way to a close-fought victory. The Daily Cardinal’s 24-7 depantsing of The Badger Herald Friday afternoon was not one of those games.

Instead of the tight game some foolish analysts predicted, the Cardinal simply dominated: A smashmouth defense combined with an efficient offense led the way to victory over their overmatched Herald foes. In one of the most physical and emotional contests in the history of either paper, nay, in the history of football, let it be known the Cardinal rose to the occasion and destroyed its opponent.

The game was so physical, the loss so devastating, and the Herald staffers so aware of their inferiority that they fled the field not long after the game to drown their sorrows in Silver Mine Subs, skipping the traditional post-game flip-cup like a bunch of whiny pansies.

“I knew all along they produced a better newspaper,” Herald Editor in Chief Jason Smathers said, unable to hold back tears. “Now I must accept that they are infinitely better at football as well.”

Even the near brawl started by a number of belligerent, over-served Herald hooligans at the end of the game could not tarnish the Cardinal’s day, as the oldest and best newspaper on campus celebrated yet another football victory.

The Cardinal secondary, led by cornerbacks Nick Schmitt and Ryan Hebel, forced some 4,682 interceptions as Herald quarterback Lukas Keapproth felt the heat from the Cardinal’s Kyle “Pain Train” Sparks and Andrew Carpenter.

Sparks said after the game he knew Keapproth was going to be his bitch from the first snap.

“He should’ve known not to bring that weak shit in my house,” Sparks said.

It took the Cardinal a couple of drives to find their feet, allowing the Herald a few seconds of glory as they jumped out to a 7-0 lead. But once the team started clicking there was no turning back, as the Cardinal racked up 24 unanswered points to storm back for the win.

The Cardinal offense, led by quarterback Tom Shield, made a fool of the weak Herald secondary, and some clutch defense helped extinguish one last Herald comeback effort late in the fourth quarter.

Although the game’s outcome had long ago been decided, the fireworks were far from over.

As the clock ticked toward zero and yet another Cardinal win, former Editor in Chief Al Morrell called a controversial timeout, which forced the Herald to run one final play, leading to an outburst from Herald Associate Sports Editor Jordan Schelling.

“Be mature!” Schelling yelled from the sidelines. “Act your age and get into a fight with someone over a flag football game in a public park!”

On the Herald’s final play, Schmitt caught yet another interception, and while returning Keapproth’s errant throw, he was tackled by the quarterback who must have forgotten he was playing flag football.

The cheap shot sparked a large scuffle between Herald and Cardinal players, although referees and level-headed Cardinalistas prevented a full-scale brawl, which the Herald probably would have lost as well.

With yet another victory in the books, the Cardinal will have to spend the next few months only beating the Herald on news racks, before the two rivals do battle once again on Vilas Park’s softball diamond in the spring.