A wise man once said, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

This is true, but there is such a thing as free rent, if you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself employed at the Dirty Bird.

Imagine how easy it would be, you might think, to run a newspaper without any overhead. The wonders and triumphs that must come along with this liberty! This paper surely must be stupendous, one would understandably be excited to read.

Unfortunately, that burden to be virtuous and keen falls on the Gentle Clowns. Who, despite facing the real-world obstacle of ‘rent’ (look it up Cardinal readers), have maintained a level of excellence unmatched even by those living pompously in the belly of Vilas.

This basic difference pervades into every level, including the sports Twitter accounts.

@BHeraldSports (please follow), is a masterclass in wit and charm and is a delight to all those who love the Badgers.

The counter-part, I daresay, is just the opposite. It provides viewers of football games with updates of what they already watched, one minute after they’ve seen it — sort of like telling the future, except it’s in the past.

These Clowns, composed of the highest degree and combination of talent, ~humility~ and drinking prowess, have taken it upon themselves to defeat the Dirty Bird on the gridiron.

This game is more than just a silly contest. It’s a meeting of acrimonious world views, a test of wills and just the latest chapter in the never-ending battle of good vs. evil — which is why we have assembled the most noble of Clowns to fight this worthy fight.

What we lack in preparation and/or knowledge of who will be playing what position, we make up for in the amount of correctly spelled names I shall now recount.

The bourgeois of the Herald is made up of Matt O’Connor, Peyton David and Lucas Johnson — all of whom are great at reading and even better at opening the door of the office for the rest of the staff.

The editors are a rag-tag group of relentless journalists prepared to fight tooth-and-nail for the Herald cause.

The News editors are Molly Liebergall, Abby Doeden, Emilie Cochran, Parker Schorr, Hibah Ansari, Grady Gibson, Gretchen Gerlach, James Strebe and Mackenzie Christman.

What can I say about this fine group that hasn’t already been said by their friends and families to them on their respective birthdays?

Anyway, solid squad those News people.

Now we have the feature editors. Haidee Chu, Aly Niehans, Nicole Ki and Kristin Washagan, the four of whom really put the Feat. in Features, because they’re all incredible rappers that commonly hop in on other’s flows.

The opinion desk, ruled solely by Abigail Steinberg, who has many opinions, has captained a gorgeous sea vessel after her first mate fell prey to pirates, never to be heard from again.

Tolu Igun and Ben Sefarbi, the muses of the Herald, power the Arts section to be the No. 1 place to go to read interviews with Steven Spielberg, or to read about fucking — whichever floats your boat.

There is also a sports section, which is run beautifully by Danny Farber and boy-wonder Will “Hopes He Didn’t Offend Anyone Too Much By This Article Because Everyone On Both Papers Is Wonderful” Stern.

See you out there Dirty Bird. May the Hamms flow like water through the streets of Madison and through the hearts of all in attendance.

NOTE: THE HERALD DOES NOT CONDONE INJECTING HAMMS INTO YOUR HEART, USE YOUR MOUTH.