Kevin Hagstrom
Having endured 27 roars by the Nittany Lions for every Penn State first down during last Saturday's football game, I began sifting through the worst chants or in-game sound bites in sports. One of the first that popped up is close to home: "First-and-10 Wisconsin." As mind-numbing as repeating exactly what the PA announcer said is, at least it's well-known. The chant I'm about to throw out on a whim, however, makes sense to no more than a handful of people. Plus, it's a good thing that it doesn't go down on the field.
We're not talking about practice; we're talking about the School of Practical Science of Toronto University's chant. Never heard of it? Well, duh. No one else has either, which is why the chant is so ridiculous — "Who are we? Can't you guess? We are from the S.P.S.!"
Now who in his right mind comes up with a chant that means little without explanation? And no, I can't guess.
The School of Practical Science may be good at math and applied sciences but by golly, it sure doesn't know how to communicate ideas in a clear and concise manner; it's asking for trouble by formulating the chant into several questions followed by a vague acronym.
It's like saying to Michigan running back Mike Hart after talking to him once, "Remember me? I'm Kevin."
He isn't going to know what's going on or who I am. Nor will he care.
"Why have a cheer? It doesn't make sense. Can you believe it? S.P.S. is quite dense."
Ben Voelkel
In the vast world of sports arenas, certain characteristics and traditions stand out and eventually become synonymous with the team and arena.
What would an Oakland Raiders game be without the Black Hole or a Detroit Red Wings game without octopi on the ice after a hat trick?
The same goes for in-game sound bites and chants. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Raymond James Stadium is known for the pirate ship that fires a cannon after the home team scores a touchdown. What would a Minnesota Vikings game at the Metrodome be without the god-awful, obnoxious Viking horn noise? A little easier on the ears possibly, but it would still be missing that something. And even a little closer to home, a Badger football Saturday without "Eat shit, fuck you" echoing off the walls of Kellner Hall and Camp Randall’s upper deck would mean an unusual PG-13 atmosphere.
But just because it is tradition, doesn’t mean it's good. As bad as the Vikings horn is, that pales in comparison to the worst chant at a sports event.
That distinction goes to DE-TROIT BASKET-BALL.
No, caps lock didn’t stick. The chant, a creation of Pistons’ public address announcer John Mason, might be OK if it wasn’t repeated seemingly every time the Pistons take control of the ball.
Opposing team’s center dribbles the ball off his foot and out of bounds one minute into the game: DE-TROIT BASKET-BALL.
Chauncy Billups gets swatted, but the ball goes out of bounds, and the Pistons keep it: DE-TROIT BASKET-BALL.
The home team gets the ball to start the third quarter: DE-TROIT BASKET-BALL.
It’s not just the repetition that makes it worst, but the painful, arrogant tone in which it’s done.
DE-TROIT BASKET-BALL. COU-NT I-T!
